departures

I packed up a lot of my stuff today. I don't know what to think about that. Actually I don't know what to feel about ANYTHING. Today has been really weird. These past couple of days have been really weird. My LIFE is weird. My emotions are all over the place. And to top it off, I got a RANDOM phone call this morning that made me feel funny. Well, more awkward than funny. I'd put the name of the guy who called but I'm afraid of the aliens from Signs. Does that make sense? I hope not.

Side Note: This blog feels kind of like a diary since I have it on private. Wait, no. Scratch that. It feels like I'm laying down on that looong, red couch at the shrink's office and Bon is my psychiatrist asking "...and how does that make you feel?". It's not that I don't want people reading my blog. I really don't care. I've just been freakin' lazy to add e-mails. Ha

So for now, [Bonita] Bon... you're my one-(wo)man audience. Congratulations!

Getting back to the main point, I just finished packing more than half of my crap. Now I remember why I waited until the night before leaving Brownsville to pack. It's because I hate it. The task is so long and emotionally draining. It's impossible to think about anything but leaving when you pack. Victor was in the room practicing piano when I was packiing earlier so that stopped me from getting emotional. But who knows how I'll feel when I hit the road.

I might put on that one Sanctus Real song that we heard when we left OneThing. "It's so hard to say goodbye..." Oh, and it might snow on the way out of here. If that happens, I'd definitely cry.

This blog is long... sorry

Last month we had Stephen Hanson, a prophetic leader here at IHOP, come to our "class" and speak to us over... you guessed it... prophecy. He had us all line up so that he could lay hands on us and impart. Well, when he got to me, he just started yelling. Literally. He started screaming out prophecies over me, and needless to say, I fell on the floor and started crying. All of that to say that one of the prophecies he spoke over me was that I was a Mary of Bethany.

I didn't know much about Mary so for that word I was just like "oh, cool", but it wasn't until the Women in the Prophetic Conference that I found out what exactly God had annointed me with. You see, ( I feel like I'm preaching now) Mary of Bethany was Jesus' friend. Think about it.

Everyone kind of shrugs off the importance of being His friend. I know that whenever I would think about being Jesus' friend, that annoying "I am a friend of God" song would come into my head. I would immediately dismiss the idea with an "oh, cool." But this is what the Scriptures say about how close Jesus' and Mary's friendship was...

In John 11, Mary's brother Lazarus had died and Jesus was going to Judea to resurrect him. Mary had been understandably crying over the loss of her brother for days. She had been grieving and many Jews tried to comfort her, but they were all to no avail. However, when Martha tells her that Jesus has been looking for her, Mary gets out of her comfort of weeping and looks for the One who can truly give her rest.

Mary runs to Jesus and basically says, "Lord! Please... Do something! I'm in so much pain." Verses 33 to 35 are what literally broke my heart for Jesus.

"Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who came with her weeping, he groaned in the Spirit and was troubled." [v33] Jesus was there watching His friend Mary weep and it made Him groan. I can imagine Jesus looking at Mary with so much compassion and love at that moment. How close was Jesus to Mary that at the sound of her tears it made the God of all gods groan?

"And He said 'Where have you laid him?' They said to Him, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept." [v34, 35] Whenever I read that Jesus cried, it pulls some strings in my heart. There are not many accounts in the Scripture where it talks about Jesus crying. What was it that made Him weep? It was that Mary was weeping at His feet. Mary and Jesus were so close that just seeing her cry made Jesus weep. Who are we that we can make the Son of God cry? Seriously.

Two days ago I had just gotten to the prayer room when my brother Victor calls and says that he might not be able to get to Kansas City until Friday (instead of the scheduled Monday arrival). That would mean that Victor would only be in town for less than a day before leaving with me back home. I went back inside the prayer room and I just sat there on the verge of tears. I know it may sound silly that I wanted to cry over that, but you guys don't know how much I was looking forward to showing him around town and just being with him.

After 10 minutes of sadness, I get another call from Victor telling me that he was able to get permission and switch his flight for Tuesday instead of Friday. I went back into the prayer room praising God, and this is what the Holy Spirit told me right away:

"Sylvia, remember that you are Jesus' best friend. He saw you sitting there in sadness over your brother's arrival and He couldn't help but grieve with you. 'I love Sylvia so much! I need to make things better right away so that she won't be sad anymore!!' And so he fixed everything because He's your best friend."

Jesus, you are truly my best friend. I'm so happy you never stopped looking for my friendship. I hope I can make you evenly slightly as happy as You make me.

pensive

Yesterday was the first time I put an eleven in front of the date. It felt a bit strange because I just got over the shock of switching to ten. Might not mean anything to some but it does to me. It means that my trip back home is right around the corner.

Roller coaster of emotions = ...---***---...---***---... = coming back to Brownsville

I really don't know how to feel. Part of me is really excited, sadness controls another part, and the last Sylvia is either anxious or worried (idon'tknowwhichworddescribesitbetter). For the most part, though, I think excitement is the biggest emotion.

"But why are you excited? Brownsville sucks. You said it yourself"

I know. I know. This is where the transparent part comes in. I was originally planning on coming home for a month and transferring to SA for the remainder of the college years, but God was so faithful to mess everything up (the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" comes to mind).

I got accepted into the school and all that jazz, but to make a long story short I had to make the adult decision of pulling my foot out of my mouth and decline the opportunity of leaving. I felt effin stupid and I was like "God, why did you give this to me only to take it away?" And this is what He said... ::ahem ahem::

"Because you suck"

jk. He thinks I'm cool.

He said "Because you're arrogant and you think that you're better than people. Just because I've called you to travel around doesn't mean you are in any way smarter/better/cooler than those who live in the valley. I love all the same."

So I was like "Ouch." but I feel great about it now. His plans are better than mine, and I know this last year of school will be wonderful.

That's one of the reasons why excitement is the biggest feeling of them all.

"And it feels like coming home for the first time in a long time"