Jesus,

I'm here in my operations class, and he's talking about the 0% survival rate of AIDS. It has nothing to do with the course... I don't mind. But now all I can think about is how much I would love for God to heal all of those who are deemed the living dead.

God, why haven't You healed them already?
I'm not asking in a mad or confrontational way.
But it's hard for me to understand.
if You're so powerful and you love us so much (and I don't doubt that one bit),
then why don't You heal those You love?
I'm tired of seeing people die of needless things.
Things that You could end with a single breath.

I know You want us to partner with Your heart
and intercede for those in need...
so I'm partnering with Your heart right now.
because I feel the way that You feel for them as I'm in class
and I don't like it.

graduation

I was thinking about it today. It's about eight months from now. It's not tomorrow, but it's hardly an eternity either, you know?

I'm not too sure what I make of it yet. I guess for the most part I'm so consumed by everything leading up to it, that the actual aftermath of shaking a hand and receiving a paper hasn't sunk in. And I doubt it will anytime soon. Maybe next semester.

I have been making progress in some areas, though. I no longer feel tied to the label of my major.

The lib arts major.
The history major
The business major
The science major

It's like a college-level Breakfast Club - minus the good acting, of course. I should bring it up to that guy Arthur. Maybe he can write a play out of it. He can be Molly Ringwald.

But getting back to the subject... I kept thinking that because I'm a business major it meant that I would inevitably become a drone, working in a cubicle, wearing a power suit. But now I accept that if this is indeed what happens to me, it's only because I allowed it to.

I know I "tweeted" this earlier - so I apologize for the repetition - but as I was doing my management homework and listening to my nostalgic high school punk, I realized that it is possible to be both.

It's possible for me to be Sylvia and a management major.
The contradictions can live in harmony and all can be well in my world.

It's absolutely silly that a pandora playlist brought this revelation along, but hey. whatever. It's kind of like Maggie Gyllenhal's character in Stranger than Fiction. You wouldn't think of a baker to be some antagonist riot girl, but she made it her own.
lol ok. you know you're desperate when you look to will ferrell movies for life's inspiration. i think i've gone off the deep end. nothing more of this.

However, on an unrelated note, I'm really enjoying smoking right now. It's such a simple pleasure :) I only smoke one cigarette a week. I think that makes me enjoy it that much more. And i'm happy that I mostly smoke when I'm alone in my car. Not like the people that smoke between north and south. that's just obnoxious to me.

Ok, good day.

my name is Sylvia (although I wish it was Jonas)

Oh, geez. I just returned Capital One's phone call. I was hoping to do the irresponsible thing and just kind of blow them off, but my nerves felt a little shot when I heard the "UNKNOWN" ringer go off. It would have been too much... working 33+ hours and going to school at night. It would have been the worst. I guess for now, the job search grind continues. Trust me, it sucks not having a job and living off of my savings, but I know Jesus is gracious and will provide. So when this situation would have normaly bothered me at a level of 8, it's currently around a 5. He's slowly (yet surely) working on my trust.

$X

I have a job interview!

Well, it's only a phone interview...

But it's a start!

I quit the reading lab after three - almost four - semesters of working there. My boss was really upset about it, too. I had been seriously considering quitting for some time now, and when she sent me an e-mail saying she had scheduled me to work for Summer II I knew it was time.

I didn't want to quit over the phone or by e-mail, so I went in person (which was kind of a mistake).
As soon as I walked in, the first words out of Diana's (my reading lab boss) mouth were
"Oh Sylvia! I'm so glad your here! I thought you were going to be a no-show. We really needed you to work for Summer II :)"

"Oh,,,,,
actually, that's why I'm here"

:/ ::uh oh::

"Yeah, I uh... I don't think I'll be coming back to work here anymore. I just kind of feel that it's my Senior year and it's time to move on. I'm looking for a job that's more in the business field. I've started applying at banks, even!"

"Oh. OK. Yeah I uhm, I understand. It's just going to be hard looking for a replacement. I've made the schedules and everything :/"

"...sorry"

"Yeah, it's ok. Alright, well see you later."

Now, for my boss to kind of cut the conversation short and abruptly says a lot. This lady LOVES to talk so for her to dismiss me after talking so little means I'm definitely not her favorite person in the world.

But whatevs mofo.

I have my first interview with Capital One sometime soon. I need to call and schedule it today. I would be so stoked to work in a bank. It sounds cliche, but it could really open a lot of doors (there's a lot of room for advancement) and I would be working towards that experience that universities like to see on MBA applications.

So is it a
lose lose
lose win
win lose
win win
or
win win win?

well
diana = lose
sylvia = double win (cuz i'm so stoked)
so her lose cancels out
thus, leaving us with a
win win

tidbits

There is nothing like finding a great new song. I've had the privilege of finding several recently, and I found them all on my own. ;) I'm listening to one of them right now actually. The Big Pink's "Velvet".

Jeez, it's so good.

Anyways, once again, I come to Blogger with no point in my writing. I just saw that I hadn't updated in a while so I thought I'd stop by.

Oh, Blogger...
Don't be offended.
I swear I don't see you as a "chore".
Do you believe me?
So we're still friends?
OK, good.

I started looking into masters degrees this afternoon, and so far I have two universities on my "apply" list. Other than the obvious UT Austin, I've decided to look into Columbia University in NY. The east coast has been looking mighty nice recently, so I'm gonna search for other schools in the area.

I'm taking a finance course right now, and as it turns out i really really like it. I was surprised at how much I ended up liking it. It's kind of like accounting's distant cousin that you only see at reunions. You know they're related but only by a technicality.

My professor was talking about the New York Stock Exchange the other day, and it sounded interesting. Not the greed or the self-gain aspect, but the rush of having to run around and beat the bell. I made a mental note to work there one day. I don't know how serious I am about it, but it would be cool.

I feel like this summer has been an incredible season for me. I've really been able to find myself all over again. Before this whole phase, I found myself really attached to labels/people/scenarios. And even though the separation from it all has had its moments where it really hurt, I can't even begin to explain how worth it it has been.

Looks like Sylvia is finally growing up.

the worst

thing about having a sore throat is not being able to sing. I don't mind the pain or discomfort - that I can hack. I just hate the way my chords feel once I start singing. & the runny nose isn't helping much, either.

This sickness came out of nowhere, too. I was watching "He's Just Not That Into You" last night and BAM! out of nowhere my throat starts hurting. It's progressed slowly and now I officially feel like shat.

All of this talk about finance and management has been driving the right side of my brain crazy. I feel so much inspiration and creativity wanting to come forth but my time has to be wasted reading two chapters a day and taking quizzes galore every week. I really want to get started on a photo project I've had in mind for a while. Or even that movie Morris and I were going to film-it's be cool if that got up and running. But alas, life intervenes. and we sometimes tend to be more talk than action I suppose.

Let's not be that way
Let's just do it
That's what she said
...don't you dare.

This week has been really good considering my situation. Umm, it has definitely been different but still good nonetheless. My dad moved back in this week and the transition has thus far been smooth. He seems more like a visitor than a resident but maybe time will change that. He came in to my room last night as I was writing an e-mail to my pen pal and he just sat on my ben and asked questions

"So where are you writing to?"
"China and Canada"
"What? Really?! At the same time?"
"yep. same time"
"That's AMAZING!"

at this point, he just stood there and hovered. I usually hate it when people hover over me, but I didn't mind this time. One, because I was writing in English and I knew he probably couldn't make much sense of what I was typing. And Two, because he showed a genuine interest in wanting to be accepted. Like he was trying too hard or something. I liked the sincerity of it.

Ho Hum Ho HUm

I can't believe I haven't written about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs show. I mean, not that I will, but still. I think that the concert just meant so much to me that I rather keep that part of my heart to myself.

You might be thinking
"But Sylvia. It's just a concert? What else could you tell us about a concert that we haven't already heard?"

And you may be true. I could describe June 3rd as just any other show, but the feelings involved were just so much more than that. It would take too long to explain and I would come across as annoying (not that I'm not already, but that's another story).

Whatever. That day was great, and that's all I have to say about that.
That's it.
Fin

i was looking at my blog just now, and I think it looks really ugly.
the pink reminds me of pepto bismol
the pictures are in an awkward arrangment
and it just screams of an overall "bleh"
the only cool part is the lollipop
(and even that looks kind of bad because it probably tastes like black jelly beans)

so i'm sorry to the 2 people a month who accidentally click on my blog and have to see this mess

I'm in my room right now... waiting for Isabel to get off of the phone with her boyfriend. Here's a snippet of what I have to hear:

"Imagine if the keyboard at Guitar Center was edible?? Everyone would, like, get AIDS to the max because everyone has played on that keyboard" - Isabel

Yeah, not even kidding. I'm not teasing though. It's pretty cute to see a 16 year old girl in "love". Although my relationship at 16 was laughable at best, my feelings were sincere at the time - so I guess I can see that in her.

::now they're talking about how many calories could be in two waffles::

So... summer break has started! and I can't wait to do absolutely nothing. I'm planning some stuff, but who knows if it'll come to pass. Some things that definitely will happen, though, are:

• road trip with le Izzy and el hermano. We'll be going to San Antonio, Dallas, UNT, and Austin in 5 days. Victor was really rude this morning when we were planning it. He was saying how he wanted to stay in San Marcos, I said I don't want to, so he replied with an "Oh, well I don't think you have much of a say so anyways". Oh rlly? its my car.
• going to take two classes during summer I - managerial finance and small business management. supposedly one is hard and the other is uber easy so it'll balance into two "moderate"s. i'm not looking forward to it, but I want to learn a new language next year so I'm freeing up any space to take either French or Chinese.
• summer II will be either slacking or working part-time
• my birthday is coming up :) I'll be turning 21 in August. I decided that I would like to drive up and find an Indian or Thai restaurant to celebrate at. I also wouldn't mind smoking from a hookah or having a good cigar. I was never really fond of alcohol (so don't expect any drunk myspace pictures from this one), but I'll probably have a nice drink at the Indian place while I chew on my naan <3
  
• Oh, and my mom wants to rent a room on the island at some point. That'll be cool.

That's about it. Just plain old Sylvia having a lazy hazy crazy summer. I know it's not elaborate but I've always been content with the simple things.

Dear Finals Week,

You suck

Why can't you be cooler - like your cousin, Spring Break?

He is uber awesome

But I am glad you didn't get the swine flu

Because if not I would have had to put up with you even longer



Warm wishes,
Sylvia

pat on the back, sylvia. pat on the back

They interviewed me for the California position yesterday, and to make a long story short she said that it was up to me.

...

I turned it down

i wrote them an e-mail this morning pretty much saying "thanks, but no thanks"

and

I feel really good about it.

I'd write more but I want to keep some things to myself, you know?

Anyways, so I know my past posts have pretty much only been about the internship.
Sorry to bore you all.
But now it's all behind me.
And I get to bore you guys with all new things.

at least pretend to sound interested

i want off already

"Hola Sylvia,

Unfortunately the position was cancelled. Therefore we are not hiring a student. You have a great resume and you did a wonderful interview, you were my first choice. I hope you receive another offer soon.

Best regards,

Kamir"

I got this e-mail from the USDA on Tuesday. After 2 weeks of mind games, I guess I was right. It looks like I won't be interning in DC after all. I was really sad when I found out about this, and I just wanted to go home and have a good cry. But I didn't. I stayed at school and forced myself to do homework so that I wouldn't wallow.

I e-mailed the organization who sets up the internship interviews, and I asked them if there were any other openings they'd consider me for...

Some lady from San Antonio called me back yesterday. She said that she wants me to interview for an internship position with Sodexo. Apparently, they're the biggest food producer in the nation and they're the ones who feed hospitals and universities (bleh... i always thought that food was gross).

They have three positions available. One would be at a hospital in Modesto, California (about 1 1/2 hours from San Francisco) and the other two are at univeristies in Minnesota. Obviously, I said I was more interested in the California position but I wouldn't mind interviewing for any of the three.

i don't know. this whole summer-planning crap has been a roller coaster for me. I'm not as excited with these positions are I was with the DC one. I mean, living in California would be cool. But i don't know...
Why can't I just be a normal 20 year old girl and not give a damn?

I want to move away from Brownsville (yet the purpose and location are unknown)
I want to gain experience (in a field that I mostly don't like)
I want to be typical (but I love Jesus too much)

Anyways, I still have my plan B available. I signed up for that nasty Business Law II class, so I can graduate in December if I so choose.

God, give me clarity. Give me wisdon. Give me You.

Dude

I can't graduate in December...

Alright, let's start from the beginning.

Remember that whole DC internship thing? Well, it's been almost two weeks since they interviewed me and I still haven't heard from them, so I guess it's safe to say I didn't get it. You'd think that the USDA would at least send an "I'm sorry. you suck. maybe next time?" e-mail. Geez

Anyways, going on the big chance that I probably didn't get it, I referred to Plan B and signed up for summer classes. I need 27 hours to go, so I would take 9 in the summer and 18 in the fall.
Works out perfect, right?

Wrong

One class that I was planning on taking isn't being offered in the summer OR the fall. I could take another class instead but I effin' hate that class.
Dude, seriously, that class is gonna suck. It's Business Law II. You can start cringing now.

So what to do? What to do?
Do I wait and graduate in May with an easier course load?
or
Do I suck it up and just take the class?

I guess it all boils down to one question: "How badly do I want to graduate already?"

And to be honest, I don't know.

this makes me elated

thinking

I have a feeling I didn't get the internship.

hmm

i don't know how I know this, but I just have a gut feeling.

They still haven't e-mailed me,

and I'm pretty sure she said she'd reach me on Monday.

Oh well.

stuff

I had my interview for the Washington DC internship this Friday. Someone names Kamir Camarillo e-mailed me on Wednesday and I just assumed Kamir was a dude's name so I kept replying to them as a sir or mister. When they called on Friday, though, it turns out Kamir is a lady. Pretty sure she wasn't to appreciative of that slip up.

Anyways, I'd be working at the USDA Human Resources office. (FYI You know you're The Office obsessed when automatically you think, "Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be like Toby!") I know in my previous blog I said I'd most likely turn it down, but I'm seriously considering it now. If I got offered Austin would I still take that instead? Hell yeah! But if I don't, I'm pretty sure I'll still do the DC one.

• when else will i have an opportunity like this?
• they pay for everything
  
• it'll look good on a resume
• get some more "out of texas" exposure
• meet people from all over the country
• have a chance to get my mind off of some stuff

I find out tomorrow, i think. If not tomorrow then sometime this week for sure. I'd really miss being here for Victor's last pre-unt summer, but i'm planning a road trip to make it up to him. i can't wait.

yyy

I don't know what it is about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but they just evoke something out of me every single time. With every passing album, it brings about a chapter in my life. I know it may sound cheesey, but it's true! If you don't have a band that does this for you, I suggest you go and find one stat.

I didn't get into the Yeah Yeah Yeahs until Fever to Tell. I wasn't around for their first album ("Art Star" i think? I'm not sure what it's titled [checking amazon this minuute]. Nope. It's self-titled. woops). I remember driving around with Ben Chance, one of the few Asians in Brownsville. This guy was cool and had an amazing taste in music. Anyways, we were driving around and I remember him telling me he had boughten it, and I swear every day for the next three weeks I'd ask Ben to lend me the CD.
Ben was (still is?) is a stoner so he'd always forget, but one day I cought him as he was going home so I picked that sucker up and put the CD in my car.

My ears were in bliss.

I had a lot of expectations for "Show Your Bones", and honestly at first I was a bit dismayed at the slowness of the record. i was expecting O's snarls and zinner-riffs and chase's beats, but it was relatively soft. I came to really start loving the album when I got to college, though. Maybe my ears grew up or something. Either way, in an interview Karen O said that this album was made in the worst of times, with them almost disbanding. I can see why the album sounds the way it does now.

So now, It's Blitz is coming out today and I can't wait to buy it. I get paid tomorrow, so that'll be a nice treat. I'm interested in seeing what the music sounds like, but i'm even more curious about the new "chapter" that this album will represent.

will it be about my summer ventures?
shall it come with me to austin?
will i listen to it and think about victor's pre-denton summer?

looking forward to finding out. i love the yeah yeah yeahs so much, and i'm not ashamed to admit so. it'll really be something when i get to see them live.

smorgasbord

give me a break
give me a break
break me off a piece of that
fancy feast!

Oh, Andy. You and your Cornell ways. The idiot is becoming one of my favorites. <3

I'm thinking of starting a photo project. I want to take iconic images of musicians or band logos and twist them a bit. So if anyone has any suggestions of images or - even better - would like to model for one of them, let me know. I'm not great at taking pictures by any means (so please set your hopes low), but nonetheless it's something that I love to do. And who knows? It could even grow into a hobby or something for me :) The infamous Velvet Underground banana will probably be my first victim.

On to school related news: UTB is offering a LOT of classes during the summer that I need, so that option has been added to the already-too-long list of things I might do. I've narrowed my decision criteria a bit, though. If I get accepted into the internship I applied for, I decided (yet not 100% by any means) that I will not do it unless they put me in Austin. That would be soo ideal. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind staying and taking classes because (1) i'd spend the summer with the bro and (2) I'm getting involved in a collusion ring. More on that story later. Nevertheless, I've been praying for guidance a lot recently and God is good. I know He will open and close what He sees fit.

Yesterday, my parents celebrated their 22nd anniversary and it was bittersweet to say the least. (btw, anyone know of any synonyms for "bittersweet"?) It was sweet because we went to the place they had their first ever date, and I got to hear them reminisce on years long gone. But it was really bitter because, well, my parents aren't even technically together. They're seperated - trying to make things better - but still seperated. So we have an awesome night only to have to drop off my dad at another house.
i know no one goes into a marriage thinking they will eventually drift, but I think because I've lived through it and have had to experience the reprocussions, I will definitely never allow that to become an option for my husband and I.
So nope.
If you smell, it's ok. i'm not leaving you.
And if you don't like that I sleep like a mummy with my head under the covers, oh well. You're staying.
I love you.
and you love me.
admitttt ittttttttt :)


ok,
too personal for blogger.
i'll stop now before i bore you.

A couple of weeks ago, someone suggested to me that I should go to a class on self-esteem. Up until that point, I thought my self-esteem was fine. I mean, granted, I don't think I'm absolutely fabulous but I don't think anyone really does.

I didn't know what to think when they brought that up. Should I be gracious and accept the offer? Should I be offended because they think I think I'm a loser? What do I think about myself? To be honest, I rather not think about myself so I kind of just blew this thing off and didn't go to the class.

Plus, a class on self-esteem? LAME

Anyways, someone called me a wallflower recently and I couldn't help but bring up the subject again in my head. When I replay events in my head, I don't necessarily see them as Sylvia being a loner - I think my personality is just kind of tame and observant. Also, if i'm meeting you for the first time, how can you expect me to full bloom? Dude, give it time. If I like you, then my true colors will eventually show - I guess I just have to warm up to the idea of you.

So if you see me quietly sitting, don't pity. It's just "me" coming out. Studying, listening, making mental notes (sometimes even mental jokes)... I don't know. I really do like myself most days, and that's all I'm really asking for anyways.

and for the record, the wallflowers were catchy - so i'll take it as a compliment.

lol

i had a dream that Jim Halpert and I were watching The Office in my apartment. It was an episode based around the Jim and Pam saga, but in the dream I knew it was symbolic of the relationship between Jim and I. Jim liked me. I liked Jim. But we never told each other - just flirted like crazy.

So the episode goes to a scene where Jim does something nice for Pam, so I turn around to Jim and say "Jim! Why don't you just tell Pam that you like her?!" but what I meant was "Jim! Why don't you just tell me that you like me?!"

and then we just laughed and ate popcorn as we finished the episode.

i think i'm addicted

i couldn't resist

12-03-2009

Night started out pretty well. I got out of my last midterm earlier than expected, so I went to pick up Erika for the ra ra riot and tokyo police club show.



We got to the venue, and parking was a mother. the ticket was seventeen bucks. That was a bummer. But it was worth it.




I don't think i've ever seen so many beautiful scenesters in my life. it has been a while since I went to a show. i felt like i was home sort of. cheesy much? anyways, cine el rey is way nice with couches and everything. we mostly stayed in the back by the bar.




once in there, we met up with adriana, jenna, and desiree. ra ra riot took the stage a little after. they were so much fun! i should have gone up and danced. they had some sick projections on the walls, as noted by the following picture.




intermission. smoke break. walked the downtown a bit. bought some buttons and took a picture with the girls from rrr. they are beaitiful and very nice.




went back in for tokyo police club. this time, we all stood by the front and danced. a lot. :) they were really fun as well.




they played an encore, and then they invited ra ra riot to take the stage with them. it was a bajillion people onstage, and they started playing The Clash's "Stand by Me"! I ran to the front, jumped on a couch, and danced the whole song. great ending. here's a horrible picture of everyone onstage.

another stream of conscious

dude, seriously. this is a disclaimer. don't continue reading. it's just a ramble - i promise. i think it would be wasting a good minute of your life. think about what you could do with a minute... you could listen to 1/3 of a song, or count to 60, or... read a boring disclaimer on a blog?
i warned you

I had this really interesting dream a couple of nights ago, and I woke up really wanting to call and tell someone about it... but I didn't have anyone to call. lol So, here I am - posting it on blogger.

Anyways in the dream a lot of friends and I were driving on a school bus, and for a long time it seemed like we were lost. We were all just staring outside the windows at the surroundings; it kind of looked like Brownsville outskirts. Think Olmito or something like that. We drove around all night until we parked outside of some small club. It was pink and the paint was chipped and it had old rock posters plastered all over the walls. Then, it clicked: "Hey! We're here guys! We're at the show!" Apparently, we were all on the bus for the same purpose - to see a show.
So we stayed and danced and it was fun.

My musical taste buds are transitioning again and I'm going through an electronica phase or something. I'm really digging beck, the new yyy stuff, and tv on the radio. to be honest, i don't think any one of those is "electronica" but whatever. i'm not a thesaurus. i don't know the word.

sometimes i feel like i have no spine. it's incredibly hard for me to say "no" to someone. my cousin called me today, and it totally ticked me off. she called to say that she took the liberty of scheduling a job interview for me at some office at ITEC. i dont want to seem ungrateful because i know people are looking for jobs, but dude, seriously. you could have at least asked. and well, me having no backbone, said that i would go and do it. but then i think about leaving the reading lab and not helping Yu Hua and it makes me sad. BUT the ITEC job would be good experience - it has more to do with my major. BUT i don't even like my major. BUT it would pay me more. i think. hfbuweriohngvjklfdvnjuipwea!

Yu Hua

Yu Hua Sung is my most loyal tutee.
Sorry, i still chuckle at the word tutee from time to time.
For the three semesters that I have been working there, she is very faithful to come only when I work.
Needless to say, we have grown very close and today she called me her "best friend".
She's from Taiwan, married, and has two teenage boys.
You might ask, "Why did she move from Taiwan to Brownsville?"
Well, her husband got a job in Matamoros at, what I'm assuming, was a maquiladora.
But it turns out that his company relocated him back to Taiwan after a couple of years here
and i don't think she was able to move back - so he is in Taiwan and she's in the states.
Tough broad, i know.

she shared with me that growing up in Taiwan, her mother would make her go to these temples and pray to several different gods.
the sun god
the moon god
the earth god
etc.
and she said that she always hated it.
whenever she would walk in, she would feel goosebumps and very cold.
every so often the temple would build a god two stories high and burn it down along with some pigs and cows.

when she got to the states, someone who claimed to be a Christian stole money her.
angry, she and her husband decided to go to a Christian church to see "what exactly do they teach these people??"
so she walked inside and she said that they talked about how children should respect their parents.
the next week, they talked about how husbands and wives should unconditionally love each other.
and so she thought,"this isn't bad at all"
but most importantly she said that upon walking into the church, she didn't feel cold at all.
she felt very warm and comfortable.
and so she stayed and converted to Christianity.
:)

off with your head - dance till you're dead

There was absolutely no way to get comfortable. Try as they might, it was obvious that the metal that Neil and Farah were leaning against was not created to conform to the human body.
"I'm sorry, Neil. This isn't going exactly going the way I had imagined."
Neil was leaving to Iraq the next day. He had a 5am flight scheduled but Farah had convinced him to stay out a little bit longer. She wanted to see the star constellations with him just one more time.
"That's OK. It's not that bad."
Neil was lying. The car hood they were laying on top of was horrible. But he loved her. And he knew this was the last time he would see her for some years. The war was getting worse and Uncle Sam said he had to leave.
They were very accepting of the silence as they laid there looking at the stars. Their thoughts were so loud they had forgotten to say something to one another for some time now. Neil decided to break the quietness. He turned to his side, looked at Farah, and sang
" Eyeless in the morning sun you were /
Pale and mild, a modern girl..."
Surprised, Farah smiled and sang along. Unknowingly to Neil, this song came to serve as the thread to countless other memories between him and Farah.


::stream of conscious::
Anywho, today was a great day. No complaints on my part. Do you guys have "genius" on your itunes? I think it's great. The playlists that it comes up with really are "genius". I went to Golden Corral today and I think that place should be made illegal. It's not former-fat-kid friendly. Nope. Isabel and I are getting really close. She's my only friend right now and that's intentional. I don't mean to ignore everyone else, but at the same time...I do. sorry. i've been applying for everything under the sun recently. every single program, scholarship, job, class, internship, you name it. i guess i'm still weary about what is next for me - oh, well. i'd like to take a trip sometime soon. maybe somewhere out of state. that'd be nice. i don't want to be like "ham and cheese" Jim. maybe sometime i wouldn't mind. but not right now. nope. not now. here are some pictures I imageforged. i'm not great or anything, but i find it really fun to edit them and come up with stuff. send me pictures! i'd love to edit them for you guys.

sometimes we just want a nice picture.

Oh, and here's a picture I edited of my best friend. Despite all of the warring elements of the picture, I love how her eyes and smile are still what draws your focus.

i just

spent way more money than what i should have.
but i choose to see them as "investments" :)

i bought

arrested development: season one
the office: season two
the office: season three
Beck's Odelay
The Rolling Stone's Let it Be
Bob Dylan self-titled
soundtrack to Once
& my brother's indie queen Regina Spektor's Begin to Hope

best of all i bought all of this at Circuit City for $78

::pat on the back::

epic FAIL

I would like to start posting up some video-blogs. The laziness of society has seeped into my blogspot, and now sometimes I rather just chat than type. I don't really know how to post videos on here, but I'll try and think of something.

I recorded my first one today, but I doubt I'll post it. I saw it more as a practice run. Anywho, it would have been about the job fair I went to today.

Alright, so UTB has this "job fair" every semester where employers come looking for... well, employees obviously. I had been planning on going for a while, and I was actually looking quite forward to it, but when it came down to it, it just overall sucked. I woke up this morning and got dressed in some pinstriped skirt and navy blue blouse, and I hated it. i hated it. i hated it.

I came in to work before the job fair, and it was obvious people preferred the corporate sylvia over the real one. I got a couple of "guapas" and "pretty!" and I just thought to myself: "what a shame that people don't think that about the real me." made me a bit sad to be honest...

When I got out of work, I drove to the job fair. I had to take out my piercing and I brushed my hair to hide my dyed bangs. All I could hear was "sellout".

The job fair was a bust. Police forces, military recruitment, Stripes, and even Auntie Anne were some of the notables hiring (wtf are stripes and auntie annes doing there??) I left and got interviewed for The Collegian, and some rapper who says "thas waz up" when he thinks something is cool and who i have two classes with asked for my number.

Seriously, dude. why do you do that? i have a freakin' class with you. you are going to make things awkward when I choose to ignore your phone call!!!!!!!

whatever. now i'm just ranting. i'm so upset at how horrible it felt selling out. abduwilbduwefnsduklcnui! why can't i just drop out and love Jesus all day???

end blog

rewarding patience

I feel like dancing. Like grabbing a stranger by the hand and dashing to the front of the stage!

I imagine my husband is going to compliment me so well.
With the electronica blasting in our speakers
and the distortion grinding our eardrums to dust
stumbling around looking for that perfect something
by golly,,,,, i'm in love with you, my little tornado
THE EYE OF THE STORM shall be mine
dressed in plaids and stripes and dots and dyes
our future will be amazing (!)
i'm going to save this post and read it on my wedding day
just so that he'll know that on Feb 23rd of 2009
sylvia was thinking
"damn,
you are so cool"
God, I want to meet him already!
not because i'm lonely or want to get married yet
BUT JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO DANCE

go. now!

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/download/149206-new-music-yeah-yeah-yeahs-zero-stream

you'll thank me later

i can't wait until they start touring for the new album :)

go with me to see them live!!

allegory

Let's see how stupid this sounds...

Alright, for the better part of the last two years I've been the turkey in the middle of two slices of bread. At first it was fun, but then one slice kind of let itself get moldy. So the sandwich became an Atkins sandwich. But then I, aka the turkey, realized that I couldn't breath those two years since I was stuck in the middle. And now that one bread was missing, I got a little taste of breathing and I now want to run away and become one of those lone turkey slices rolled up on the appetizer tray.

()()()()()())()()()()()()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

so today, i had the pleasure of actually meeting someone i met over myspace in person. i felt like i was on a blind date - or worse, a match.com blind date. he was the dude who made the vinyls i posted.

it was an all around strange process. he gave me his phone number over a message and asked me to call him when i was out of class. i send him a couple of text messages throughout the morning, and when it came down to call him i got kind of nervous.

is that normal? that I was nervous? it's kind of like I wanted my voice to be cool, to sound pretty. he sounded effin' weird. i bet i sounded worse.

"Hey is this Erik? (duh, it would be erik. it's his number, sylvia.)
"yeah"
"hi, this is sylvia"
"yo"
"..." (umm, "yo"? really? ok)
"blah blah blah let's meet at Barnes?"
"well, i'm from san benito. i don't know where barnes is."
"Barnes? You know, Barnes. Barnes and Noble, on campus..."
"Oh! yeah, see ya there"

maybe he wanted to sound cool too and forgot about Barnes.
anyways, so walking towards someone you meet over myspace is weird because you are kind of sizing up the person to the picture (and you know they are too) so I just hid behind my sunglasses.

"Hey gangster. Whats up?"

I put out my hand to shake and he extends his arm to hug.
"We don't shake. We hug :)"
"oh uhh heh"

it was just funny. i kind of want to do that again - except not over myspace and not over match.com. Maybe a really good friend can set me up on a blind date. it's kind of a weird rush. i saw a blind date at starbucks with Lisa and we were laughing at them and hoping they would sit near us so we could keep laughing (discretely, of course). i allow you to laugh discretely at me.

art

Buying this tomorrow. Can't wait!

I feel the late night Sunday blues settling in & sonic youth isn't really helping...
:sigh:
This weekend was the definition of bittersweet

SWEET

• three-day weekend
• i saw lisa :)))
• little homework
• two valentines
  
• showed off a little creativity
• felt non-stop l.u.v.
• got my ass kicked

BITTER

• really missing Christina and Samantha
  
• 7 am wake ups
• car died on me... again
• transitioning (!)
  
• family = puzzle
• got my ass kicked

Overall, though, (+) outweighed (-).
I need to start a diary, or journal for the older folk. Don't wanna forget this kind of stuff.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! I'm looking forward to it - I think it'll be a nice day. I have some thoughts on the day. Would you like to hear 'em? Alright, here it goes...

• I've never been one of those girls who dislikes being single on the day. I actually kind of enjoy it. I like to sit back and see people in love. It brings out the hopeless romantic in me I guess.
• 
  
• Remember how in school you were a loser if you weren't carrying around a valentine's day present by the end of the day? That's funny, yet very age-appropriate. My mom would always drop off a bear with chocolates for each of us so we wouldn't feel left out. Now, I see it as my turn, so I like to buy her flowers. (her flowers are hiding in my closet)
• 
  
• I'm pretty sure the only Valentine I've ever had was Davy, and it's really funny thinking back on it. My junior year he bought me a bunny, so I had to walk around school with a huge cage, backpack, and Davy's freakin heavy arm around my shoulders all day. People would point at me and be like "woah, she got a bunny! that's cool!", so I felt kind of special... but now that I think about it that was definitely more of a present for himself than for me. He kind of walked in that "yeah, that's right. I'm a great boyfriend" smirk for the day.
• 
  
• Will always and forever be a flowers kind of girl, and the weirder the flower the better. I'm not into chocolates and my mom called dibs on giving me stuffed animals a long time ago.

I guess that's it. I feel like I just wrote an entry for Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Anyways, Happy Valentines Day :)

It must have been 3:00 am one night in Kansas City when I was woken up by these amazing beats coming from my radio. I forced myself to stay up and see if the dj would share the artist and track (i was convinced that it was floyd for some reason), but it turned out to be Bowie's "Fame". Good times.

anyways,
_____________________________________________________________________

I was never one to stare in the mirror too long. Being over-analytical leads to a focus on my flaws, but I wanted to look...

...I wanted to look nice.

I was definitely in the "going on a date" zone. I'm a girl - sue me. And with The Vandals' "I Have a Date" providing the soundtrack, it definitely wasn't hard to feel the way I felt.

My room: a mess with tried-on-but-just-doesn't-look-good-enough clothes all over the floor
The purse: contents spilled on the bed with my make-up dying to be used
&
The Vandals: well, they're on repeat

Is it love that I'm feeling, you ask? <3
Oh, shucks.
Of course it's not love. </3
What I'm feeling is merely the surprise of the unknown. :-0
The verge of something either completely great that will lead to a future of bliss, :D
something utterly horrendous that will make me scratch my head in disbelief in years to come, D:
or something that could just result in a yawning contest... :|

Either way... i'm ready
"it's our time"

:ding dong:
"Hey Jane. You look great."
"Thanks, you too."
"You ready?"
"Let's do this"
:shut door:
__________________________________________________________________


I saw a girl and she drove me wild
She looked at me and I looked and smiled
The cutest girl you'd ever see
I never dreamed she'd go out with me

We met at school so I asked her out
The only girl I ever thought about
She's 16 and she's so devine
I never thought I could make her mine

I'm in love, I just can't wait Tonight I have a date
I have a date with the cutest girl in town
I have a date and I'm the happiest boy around
I'm in love. I just can't wait 'cause tonight I have a date

Went to the movies in my parents car
I never dreamed I'd get that far
I picked her up at a quarter to eight
I got there early I didn't want to be late

I never thought it would come to this
I drove her home and she gave me a kiss
I'm in love and it's here to stay
She said she really wants to see me again

I'm in love, I just can't wait Tonight I have a date
I have a date with the cutest girl in town
I have a date and I'm the happiest boy around
I'm in love. I just can't wait 'cause tonight
I have a date

-_-

Every time Jane took off her ipod, she made sure the earphones were neatly wrapped up - and yet, somehow they always seemed to end up tangled. No matter what. Always tangled.

"Damn earphones. Uhh..."

Her class doesn't start until 7:15 but she was always one for being early. It gave her time to sit in her car with the music on and think. But 7:10 was approaching and so she grabbed for the ipod and out she went.

:Right earphone in right ear:

:Left earphone in left ear:

"And the charade starts..."

:pressed play:

"...now."

As she walked upstairs towards her class, Jane started thinking about the definition of extroversion. I don't blame her - she was the picture of an introvert - and although Jane envied the openness of others, she was all too comfortable in her skin. One day, though, she'll do something unexpected. One day.

Jane was a couple of footsteps from the class door when she remembered Doug and how he had given her his number (and myspace link) last week. Doug was a five foot five, karate practicing, death metal rocker. He had given her his number...
"you know, just in case I don't go to class one day. Oh, and by the way... I have unlimited texting if you're into that sort of thing."
"planning on skipping already? it's the first day of class"

Jane couldn't see herself with Doug. And I don't really know how Doug could exactly see himself Jane. ::Doug sounds like bland mashed potatoes with old gravy:: Jane thought. She walked in the classroom and lo and behold Doug was sitting right next to her - lab partners! How (not)fun.

So class that day was a mixture of awkward laughs and half-way smiles.
"Jane, would you want to go out one night? I dunno... and eat or something?"

::What the hell. What? You know what...:::
"...OK"

::Extroversion starts now::

Jane walks out of the class

:Right earphone in right ear:

:left earphone in left ear:

:presses play:

Fin

i feel seventeen

Today has been an "out of your element" day.
Let me explain...

I have this gnarly pimple on my face. It's so great (in the negative sense). I woke up and caked on the concealer (skin make-up for the XYs) but now I'm like "man, i don't give a..." well, you know how that goes. Men = the system anyways

Later on in the day I went up to this guy and was like "HI!". [ If we were walking cartoons, which we kind of are, and I had a speech bubble, the "hi" would have def been in caps... it was so forceful-like a car honking its horn. For those interested, his though bubble probably would have been "wtf"] Anyways, I never do that. I normally stare at my feet when I walk or pretend to look past them.

I feel like I'm going back to my roots. As if i'm living my freshman year all over again. I was free from Davy (at least during the day), felt independence without that added weight of worry, and just on my own-doing something new. I know I'm not technically doing anything new (still in school, still without Davy, blah blah blah), but it feels like I am. Maybe I am and I haven't seen it? Maybe it's the presence of something new looming over me? idk, but i like. i like.

So, I think I have the possibility of going to Spain (!) and UTB paying for it. Noice...
I can picture myself listening to Monster Hospital walking through whatever there is to walk through in España. I still haven't completely made up my mind, though. I might just stick around and take classes here [to graduate in Dec] or take another internship out of Brownsville.

Ahh...life. :)

a.m.

I have had an amazing morning.
I woke up too early, and I found myself with 20 minutes to spare before leaving to work.
Decided to spend them with Dad and it was wonderful.
Didn't have an agenda really. I just needed someone to hear me out. Listen to me cry.
and he did. He's so nice.
So I left to work, still keeping Him in mind.
I sang my emotions and let my heart do its share of talking.
(Sometimes we really neglect our hearts. Our minds have too much say-so.)
I'm at work right now, been here since 9.
April surprised me and ditched her class to catch up with me.
What a great friend.
Caught up, laughed, and left with plans to meet up this weekend.
Then an elderly man came in for tutoring-and he made my day.
He's so old and fragile.
Face full of wrinkles and age spots.
Hands shake and voice trembles.
But he made my day. I got to serve him... even if it was only with tutoring.
(I hope I get to spend my life as a servant. I know some won't be as pleasant as this old man, but I love it. I want to be self-less.)
It turns out he was a commercial pilot who did some crop dusting back in the day.
He shared his stories with me and I swear I felt like crying at some point.
I want to be cool like him.
An 81 year old student who doesn't give a damn about anything.
Just loving life. living life. staying sharp. being happy.
God, I want to be happy. help me stay in a play of constant joy.
Man, this was a good morning.

i really don't want to think about those things anymore

This morning my mind made up its mind and it came to the conclusion that I am in the wrong degree plan. It has been thinking a lot about graduation, work, the future, and the sorts recently.
So time-consuming
but it's a portal that has one door leading to another

I am having a really hard time seeing myself in a dress suit for the rest of my life. I mean, seriously. Where would I put my pins? They just don't look good on blazers. What shoes would I wear? Ive seen those converse high heels and they are pre-tty gross. No, thanks.

I'm scared out of my mind. When teachers assign group projects I'm always the first one to cringe because I hate working with others...leading others...depending on others.
And here I am. A management major.

I want Jesus to come rescue me from the reality of graduation. Did You really want me to do this? What if You told me to major in something else and I heard wrong? What a scary thought.

I have been looking into some masters programs, but I think I'm only doing it so that I can continue being a student a little longer. Buy me some time before I face the reality of the system.
God, I hate the system
And here I am. A future part of it.

For now, I'm thinking of still graduating in December and then moving to Austin. I kind of even really want Isabel to come live with me. I told her the idea and she was so stoked. I love it.
She could transfer to UT while I work. We could go to shows and buy stuff for our apartment. I love it, living with my best friend.

Jesus, I invite You for the ride except I sure as hell don't want to lead. Let me follow. Get me out of here. Give me more than a suit. Give me color. Give me sounds. Give me personality.

suffocated

I felt really trapped today. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

"I'm really dying in here and I'm afraid. No, I'm scared. I'm just scared. Just let me down."

Why are some people more oppressed than others? (I'm not talking about myself, so the sympathy or pity is unnecessary) It seems like some soar with ease while others have clipped wings.

I hate it because there is nothing I can do about it. I hate watching wreck after wreck.

These are the times that try my soul the most. Where I have to leave it to my invisible God to fix the mess. Can I really trust Him?

I'm so fickle. I love to have fun with Him and I believe Him when He comforts me.
But when it comes to others I have a hard time selling what I bought into.

Lord, help me. I hate that I'm fickle and that I believe that others can't have what I have or feel what I feel...

sorry, Jesus

wake up

My phone rang today at 8 in the morning.
I have ringers assigned for people.
The fam has one.
Erika has one.
Bon has one.
Morris has one.
Bill has one.
and Michelle has one.
But when it rang at 8 in the morning, it was the "default/generic" ringer.
I normally don't answer numbers I don't recognize, but maybe since it was 8 in the morning I wasn't thinking clearly.
anyways, so I answered the phone.
and it was Michelle.

"Hello..?"
"Sylvia...It's Michelle."
"Michelle? Where are you calling me from?"
"I'm at work. I'm SO bored, and I want to talk to someone. I called Caroline but she was on her way to watch the inauguration..."
"Oh, sorry. Sorry I was at the bottom of the list."
"No! I wanted to talk to you..."

I think she was lying. But I didn't care because I really like Michelle and I didn't mind talking to her.

So we started gabbing away.

"Michelle, I'm really scared. I'm going to graduate in December and I have no idea what I'm going to do."
"Wait. You are worried about what's going to happen next year? We barely started 2009 and you're already worried about 2010?"
"Yes"

I felt stupid, but that's my nature.
I worry

how should i feel?

I found out today that Davy is going to be a dad... and by the title of this blog I'm sure you've noticed that I'm confused.

Man, it's weird. So weird.

I was with Davy for almost three years and for a good part of them it was fun. I have a lot of effed up memories with the guy, and it's surreal to see that he's going to be making a family with this girl.

I don't think I'm jealous. I definitely would not want to have a baby with him. I'm thankful that God spared me from having sex with him. I thank Him that I never fell into something stupid like that. But still

I want want a family. I didn't even mean to write "want" twice. I guess I really want it, huh?

Dude it's kind of not fair. How come he gets to have a baby and I'm reading books? Why does he get to get married and I'm kind of really afraid of the opposite sex?

Seriously wth. I was at Cricket paying my sister's phone bill, and the dude behind the counter was trying to talk to me. Flirting, idk. I won't flatter myself. But I noticed that as soon as I picked up on a weird vibe from him, I literally stood behind this wall.

I forced myself onto a wall that would seperate myself from the advances of the opposite sex.

story of me

Davy, good luck. quit the reefer and you'll be fine.

and as for me, well

well

well

maybe i should work on actually talking to guys before I open my mouth

praise God