departures

I packed up a lot of my stuff today. I don't know what to think about that. Actually I don't know what to feel about ANYTHING. Today has been really weird. These past couple of days have been really weird. My LIFE is weird. My emotions are all over the place. And to top it off, I got a RANDOM phone call this morning that made me feel funny. Well, more awkward than funny. I'd put the name of the guy who called but I'm afraid of the aliens from Signs. Does that make sense? I hope not.

Side Note: This blog feels kind of like a diary since I have it on private. Wait, no. Scratch that. It feels like I'm laying down on that looong, red couch at the shrink's office and Bon is my psychiatrist asking "...and how does that make you feel?". It's not that I don't want people reading my blog. I really don't care. I've just been freakin' lazy to add e-mails. Ha

So for now, [Bonita] Bon... you're my one-(wo)man audience. Congratulations!

Getting back to the main point, I just finished packing more than half of my crap. Now I remember why I waited until the night before leaving Brownsville to pack. It's because I hate it. The task is so long and emotionally draining. It's impossible to think about anything but leaving when you pack. Victor was in the room practicing piano when I was packiing earlier so that stopped me from getting emotional. But who knows how I'll feel when I hit the road.

I might put on that one Sanctus Real song that we heard when we left OneThing. "It's so hard to say goodbye..." Oh, and it might snow on the way out of here. If that happens, I'd definitely cry.

This blog is long... sorry

Last month we had Stephen Hanson, a prophetic leader here at IHOP, come to our "class" and speak to us over... you guessed it... prophecy. He had us all line up so that he could lay hands on us and impart. Well, when he got to me, he just started yelling. Literally. He started screaming out prophecies over me, and needless to say, I fell on the floor and started crying. All of that to say that one of the prophecies he spoke over me was that I was a Mary of Bethany.

I didn't know much about Mary so for that word I was just like "oh, cool", but it wasn't until the Women in the Prophetic Conference that I found out what exactly God had annointed me with. You see, ( I feel like I'm preaching now) Mary of Bethany was Jesus' friend. Think about it.

Everyone kind of shrugs off the importance of being His friend. I know that whenever I would think about being Jesus' friend, that annoying "I am a friend of God" song would come into my head. I would immediately dismiss the idea with an "oh, cool." But this is what the Scriptures say about how close Jesus' and Mary's friendship was...

In John 11, Mary's brother Lazarus had died and Jesus was going to Judea to resurrect him. Mary had been understandably crying over the loss of her brother for days. She had been grieving and many Jews tried to comfort her, but they were all to no avail. However, when Martha tells her that Jesus has been looking for her, Mary gets out of her comfort of weeping and looks for the One who can truly give her rest.

Mary runs to Jesus and basically says, "Lord! Please... Do something! I'm in so much pain." Verses 33 to 35 are what literally broke my heart for Jesus.

"Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who came with her weeping, he groaned in the Spirit and was troubled." [v33] Jesus was there watching His friend Mary weep and it made Him groan. I can imagine Jesus looking at Mary with so much compassion and love at that moment. How close was Jesus to Mary that at the sound of her tears it made the God of all gods groan?

"And He said 'Where have you laid him?' They said to Him, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept." [v34, 35] Whenever I read that Jesus cried, it pulls some strings in my heart. There are not many accounts in the Scripture where it talks about Jesus crying. What was it that made Him weep? It was that Mary was weeping at His feet. Mary and Jesus were so close that just seeing her cry made Jesus weep. Who are we that we can make the Son of God cry? Seriously.

Two days ago I had just gotten to the prayer room when my brother Victor calls and says that he might not be able to get to Kansas City until Friday (instead of the scheduled Monday arrival). That would mean that Victor would only be in town for less than a day before leaving with me back home. I went back inside the prayer room and I just sat there on the verge of tears. I know it may sound silly that I wanted to cry over that, but you guys don't know how much I was looking forward to showing him around town and just being with him.

After 10 minutes of sadness, I get another call from Victor telling me that he was able to get permission and switch his flight for Tuesday instead of Friday. I went back into the prayer room praising God, and this is what the Holy Spirit told me right away:

"Sylvia, remember that you are Jesus' best friend. He saw you sitting there in sadness over your brother's arrival and He couldn't help but grieve with you. 'I love Sylvia so much! I need to make things better right away so that she won't be sad anymore!!' And so he fixed everything because He's your best friend."

Jesus, you are truly my best friend. I'm so happy you never stopped looking for my friendship. I hope I can make you evenly slightly as happy as You make me.

pensive

Yesterday was the first time I put an eleven in front of the date. It felt a bit strange because I just got over the shock of switching to ten. Might not mean anything to some but it does to me. It means that my trip back home is right around the corner.

Roller coaster of emotions = ...---***---...---***---... = coming back to Brownsville

I really don't know how to feel. Part of me is really excited, sadness controls another part, and the last Sylvia is either anxious or worried (idon'tknowwhichworddescribesitbetter). For the most part, though, I think excitement is the biggest emotion.

"But why are you excited? Brownsville sucks. You said it yourself"

I know. I know. This is where the transparent part comes in. I was originally planning on coming home for a month and transferring to SA for the remainder of the college years, but God was so faithful to mess everything up (the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" comes to mind).

I got accepted into the school and all that jazz, but to make a long story short I had to make the adult decision of pulling my foot out of my mouth and decline the opportunity of leaving. I felt effin stupid and I was like "God, why did you give this to me only to take it away?" And this is what He said... ::ahem ahem::

"Because you suck"

jk. He thinks I'm cool.

He said "Because you're arrogant and you think that you're better than people. Just because I've called you to travel around doesn't mean you are in any way smarter/better/cooler than those who live in the valley. I love all the same."

So I was like "Ouch." but I feel great about it now. His plans are better than mine, and I know this last year of school will be wonderful.

That's one of the reasons why excitement is the biggest feeling of them all.

"And it feels like coming home for the first time in a long time"

?

The comment I left on Josh's blog got me riled up and now I just want to talk about offense.
God asked me to stop doing something recently, and He knows very well that I had no desire whatsoever to stop. Mind you, it wasn't "sin" or anything obviously wrong... just something God knew I didn't need right now. And so I stopped. And I hate it.

Writing this blog is giving me that lump in the throat you get right before you want to cry. I don't think I'll let myself cry because of pride (which is another story in itself), but I am struggling with it all.

I keep wanting to ask God, "If You knew You were going to eventually ask me to stop doing it, then why did You ever let me start to begin with?" You allowed me the joy of running, only to see that there was a cliff stopping me not too far into the trail. It was all an illusion.

I really don't want to be offended by God. I want to trust His leadership and come out saying it is perfect. It's a struggle to do this, but I'm glad I said yes, though. I don't care if people think it's stupid to let someone "who caused you pain to dictate your life". Jesus is the only person who has never let me down and to think that He would intentionally hurt me for no reason is spiteful and sickening.

I want to be like Moses. I want to come out of this wilderness unoffended. I want to be able to love God more than anything else. And I just want God to call me His friend. Lord, I want to be Your friend.

not so funny

The other day, I was walking to the prayer room and I saw a group of guys playing football outside. It looked like something straight out of a post card...

guys playing football in the street
dad talking to his daughters
dogs running around everywhere

So as I'm approaching them, I take out my phone to call my friend. I'm about ten feet in front of them when one of the guys looks at me and motions something. He's a tall one with a big brown beard, and he looks young and nice.

He grabs the football and makes a gesture like: "OK. Get ready. I'm about to throw it to you."
Since I was talking on the phone, all I could do was gesture back. So I gesture the "You don't want to throw it to me. I suck at sports." kind of face. He gets the hint, smiles at me as I pass along, and that was the end of that.

Today I was sitting in the second row of class and Jerry, our Commission administrator, says, "Class, we have a true treasure for you today. We have a guest speaker... Jesse Engle." And in walks in bearded-smiling-football man... Jesse Engle.

It was awkward sitting so close to the front. I wanted to laugh for some reason. & strangely enough, I kept thinking "So this is the guy that made Erika cry." I don't think a lot of you even know who Jesse Engle is, which is cool. I didn't know who he was till I got here. I just wanted to share a part of my day.

It was a good day :)

October

The Commission program I'm in has this one couple, John and Emily. John is a baldy (by choice) who loves to wear red flannel with flip flops and Emily is a brunette with blue eyes and a Wisconsin accent. He's twenty-three and she's twenty and they just got married this July.

When I found out their ages and the fact that they're married, my initial reaction was "Eww." Not "eww" at them, but "eww" at the thought of being married at twenty.
::"Why on Earth would anyone want to be married so young? You could never do that!" thought Sylvia to herself as she looked in confusion."::
However, seeing them every day has now changed my perception. I think in the valley, a lot (but not all, i know) of young marriages are forced because of pregnancy, so I had this stigma in my head that people don't really want to do this. But seeing two young people willingly want to do that is puzzling yet envious at the same time.

We usually have hang outs at their place, and last week's was making me sick. We had "movie night" and I was surrounded by three couples...
three affectionate couples...
three affectionate and blissful-looking couples
Needless to say, I left the place depressed and jealous

I was sort of doing the "God, this sucks" kind of thing, but then I got over it. I figured, "Hey, if God being wayyy smarter than me, doesn't think it's time yet than who am I to say otherwise?"
But at least I learned it's cool to be twenty and married.

OH! and John was Emily's first and only boyfriend before being married, so take that all you nay-sayers who think it's not possible to get married without dating around. If they can do it than so can i

I've noticed the phases in my life recently. If you would have asked me a couple of months ago I would have said I was the same Sylvia... good with consistancy. For the most part I still think I am, but there are little things that have obviously changed - my wardrobe being one.

Early middle school Sylvia was the image of what every teacher thought a sixth grader should dress like. That meant a lot of visits to Sears and JC Penney come August. I remember one time a teacher (who was also my girl scouts leader at the time) made me stand up in front of the class to show that my shorts were the appropriate length above the knee. Yes, I was "appropriate length" girl. Very modest and painfully shy.

Once eighth grade started, Herby introduced me into a little band called Anti-Flag. I was so desperate to change into something more "look at me" that I went headfirst into the political punk look. I wish I could post pictures... they are a doozey. I had the works: patches, safety pins, band pins, raccooon eye makeup. You name it, I wore it. So obviously dressing like that introduces you to new friends, and new friends introduce you to different scenes.

"High School" Sylvia was a really big Fat Wreck Chords / NOFX kind-of-gal. That's where I started straying from the cliche and made things my own. Fascinations with hair dye and Chuck Taylors ran rampant and they have yet to die down in my heart.

I don't really know where I am now. I invite anyone to take a swing and describe my clothes now, whether you like them or not. I don't care. Something I've been pondering a lot recently, though, is that everyone is a cliche. Clothes are something we desperately use to "define" us and make us "different", but no matter how hard we try there is always a John Doe out there who looks exactly like you. I've found at least two here in Kansas City. Either your the "girly feminine" one, or the "artsy indie" one, or whatever (you catch my drift).

Point is clothes don't make you. I'm wanting the "punk" in me to die down. I kind of just want the Jesus in me to define.

effin eros

I did a silent fast yesterday. From sun up to sun down I didn't say a word. Well, actually I did. I broke it three times. But I think it's funny the things the Lord allows to happen when you make a choice not to talk. I guess it's just to see what you're made of. Not that He'd look down on you for breaking it... but anyways...



The weather here is amazing. It's bright and in the 60s. So since it's just so nice outside, I decided to walk from the prayer room to birchwood. As I was walking over there, some black guy in a black convertible pulls over and gets close to me.



"Hey, you wanna go to the Tina Turner concert tonight?"



Aside from being a little freaked out, I thought: "Seriously, do I look like someone who would even listen to Tina Turner?" So I awkwardly motioned "no" with my head.



"Are you sure? You'll be going for free with me" (as if that was going to make it more enticing)



::make a weird face to accompany the "no" I motion again::



I was a little scared because there was no traffic at the time and no bystanders to see me get whisked away by the masked murderer. But God's good and He took care.



Plenty of other uncomfortable situations occured throughout the day, but the most uncomfortable was just the stare that you get from others.

Some stare in amazement ("Wow! I could never do that!")

Some stare in wonder ("So, have you broken it? How long will you be quiet for?")

And others don't want to talk to you and make you accidentally break your fast

so they just stare. and smile. and stare some more.

I liken the feeling as to an animal in a zoo. Because all you can do is stare as well.



So Yeah. I broke it three times. The first time I broke it by speaking in tongues at the prayer room. The third time I broke it by singing a line from a Peter Bjorn song. But the second time was kind of funny.



I've been battling a cold recently, and it looks like it's almost dead. Except yesterday I started sneezing a bit so I decided to take some medicine. Before I took it though, I looked in the mirror and to the sickness said "I'm gonna kick you in the booty."



I dropped my mouth in awe because I couldn't believe that the word "booty" even escaped my lips. But thinking about it later, I laughed because I realized that the one time I really broke my fast it wasn't in talking to a friend or a roommate but it was in talking to myself.



so i don't know which of the two was worse

cried myself sick

I'm at the IHOP library, and I think i might be in the midst of a class going on. I feel like the intruder alert should ring any minute now.

There's this girl (lady? idk) who's passing out some written papers with grades on them. I wonder what the assignment could have been...

"Class ::picks up glasses from her nose::, listen up! Simmer down! Ooh up, down... nice play on words. Anywho, i want you to write me a 400 word paper on Jesus. GO!"

What exactly would one have to do to fail any of these assignments, out of the obvious "not doing them" or "didn't follow the rules" reasons? I couldn't imagine someone getting an F because they missed the mark on explaining how much Abba loves them. Or because their testimony was just a tad too dramatic.

"Now, Timmy, I just had to fail you on this paper because... well... I think Jesus loves you just a little bit more than the way you wrote here."

I really hope they don't have that computer program that lets you read or look at what people do/write on these computers. I don't think they'd appreciate this. But I'm not making fun of IHOP or this class or anyone. It's just one of my thinking cap moments. I obviously have no knowledge of the class going on or knowledge on anything for that matter. So let's continue on with the conversation.

I'm going to see Ryan Adams in two weeks! Can't hardly wait. Before I left home, I remember thinking of how nice it would be if I got to see him while I was here. :) Beck plays this next week, so I'm going early in hopes of them selling tickets at the door.

It looks like Victor is coming up here to visit and drive back down with me. I was seriously over-joyed this morning thinking about it. It'll be a nice bonding experience, but I couldn't help to think that we are so old now. We have our own money, our own cars, our own free will to do as we please without the parentals breathing down our necks.

And finally, I finished "A Farewell to Arms" and the ending made me cry. I want to re-read it and maybe start one of those weekly book clubs to discuss (which makes me sound that much older, huh?)

Anyways, I really should leave now.

We're off to see the city!

I never knew how much I would love to be disconnected from the outside world. I mean, I knew that I was always a fan of alone time but this is great.

At my house, all I have to keep me entertained is my little $5 am/fm radio and the dearest Hemingway book my eyes have ever seen("Farewell to Arms" is by far the best story I have ever read. It's so engaging and I highly recommend it). At first I was obsessed with reading only one chapter a day, but that was far too difficult. Besides, I can always go downtown and just buy another :) Maybe "The Old Man and the Sea" is next.

The radio is for the obvious purpose of music and at times a little talk radio.
:: Side note, but I wish there were more liberals on the radio. Not that I'm necessarily a liberal (i'd like to meddle in the middle and say i'm a moderate), but the Fox News mentality is cringe-inducing sometimes ::

But getting back to the main idea, it feels amazing being by yourself. On the way to the Jenny Lewis show, I remember having a conversation with God and it was totally a movie moment. Only me and God.

I really think the spirit of peace and thankfulness hit me at that moment as I was driving in the Kansas outskirts. I wish you guys could feel what I felt. I just felt so happy and endebted to be by myself, in the car Jesus bought me, without a care in the world, looking for a new adventure.

I told my dad about it as best I could and all he said was: "I bet you felt like a real American woman," and all I said was "Sure, dad. That must have been it."

I wish I could keep on writing. This feels nice. But everything in moderation (including moderation).

new but not yet improved

Yesterday I went to Wal-Mart with two friends from the program I'm in. One of them is a Brazilian guy from England, and he was telling me how he was having a hard time learning American currency.

When he had arrived at the KC airport, he needed to make a phone call but had no coins on him. So he went to the Starbucks there, took out a $10 bill and asked the cashier to give him all nickels.

&

the other day he tried to pay at Mcdonalds with a penny. Yes, a penny.

Osa and I couldn't stop laughing at him. But he took it graciously, I guess a little happy that he had made us laugh. He then gave me a coin from England as a gift and I'm hoping to God it's worth $20 bucks or something.

I'm trying not to write about the things that I've learned. I kind of don't think that I would do them justice (especially the one on eros and agape love. my God, I'm so messed up from that). If people want to know, then they can ask (which they have) and I would gladly spill.

My roommate asked me the other day what I would do if I had a year off and expenses weren't an issue. Feel free to respond in comments with what you guys would do, I would love to know. I kind of thought about it and I think I would do this (the Commission) in churches all over the world. Meaning that I would like to study the different movements of God all over Earth.

I'm starting to miss little random things. I miss mexican food being the default. I miss Erika and Yvonne. and I miss having a puppy.

My husband's gonna let me have a dog at all times. But only one. For example, I'll have "Scruffy" or whatever (Scruffy is a horrible pet name, fyi) and he'll die and i'll mourn for a while but I don't want it to be too long before I have another one. He'll also find me a cat that would be best friends with my dog.

Yeah Yeah Yeah
TOTALLY

subterranean un-homesick alien

Yesterday, around 10 pm, I was walking out of the prayer room. I was in that after-prayer room daze, and as I was walking through the double-doors I felt my feet stop walking. & all I could do was just stare. I was surprised to see that Brownsville wasn't meeting me outside... but after literally one second, I just had an overwhelming sense of peace about that.

I don't necessarily mean that Kansas City is my home. That'd be stupid to feel considering I've only been here for about 2 weeks. No, what I'm getting at is that Brownsville isn't my home. I don't know if it's because I'm in the "honeymoon" phase of my departure from Texas, or whether it's because this is what God has put in my heart (traveling) but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I've been bit by something that Brownsville just can't cure.

You always have those people that are like, "Brownsville isn't that bad," and then they make a face at you for being "holier than thou". I can picture at least 5 people giving me that reaction if they read this. And you know what? Maybe it's not that bad for you. Maybe you actually enjoy being bored out of your mind; going to Starbucks for the eleventh time this week; listening to the same 5 songs on the radio as you drive over there.

Side Note: kc radio is rad. sometimes i think 96.5 is like mana to my ears. (that's pushing it. sorry Jesus. But he knows my humor)

anyways, what's the point of this ramble? No point. just wanted to vent. don't have a computer at my house so this nasty trinitron monitor is a delicacy.

i love God. i really do.

I made two new IHOP budz. Connie and Ferika.

Connie made two friends today. Both of them bald, except one was black and one was white. The white bald guy almost hit her face with the camera. The black bald guy doesn't know who Connie is. She tickels my funny bone.

"Call me ASAP! I was watching the news and I heard the short bus flipped over & I know how you don't wear your helmet! Are you ok??"

Ferika rode the short bus today. Well, the shuttles. They looked icky to me but she said they were cool. She also got Connie in a leg lock and Connie farted in her face because she was afraid (not scared).

::you're sitting next to someone. they look interesting so you kind of want to talk to them. it sort of seems like they want to also. But then neither does. so that sucks.::

Remember how I wrote about Vivienne? And how I wanted her to be more attractive than me? Well, I got my wish. sort of.

Turns out that everyone in Kansas City is beautiful. Maybe its because they all look so different than people back home. But you can't go outside without seeing really attractive people.
I have never felt so ugly and i can feel my insecurities rising.

I saw this pretty girl the other day and I started feeling self-conscious. So I tried thinking "You know what Sylvia, God thinks you're beautiful." Afterwards I felt like a loser for two reasons.

1.) I felt like that idiot in school that is really weird and says stuff like, "Well, my mom says I'm special." and everyone laughs because being weird is not special.
&
2.) I said afterwards, "God can probably see she's still more beautiful."

I don't know why I prayed for Him to help me with my insecurities. They suck. But I guess this is God, huh? no one said it'd be easy i guess...

sleepy induced hyper time

i'm tired.
long day
watching a taco bell commercial
i would say that i miss being home
but
that would be a lie
and i don't.
my piercing hurts
and i bought a Hemingway book
the guy who sold it to me said it was good.
can't wait to go home and read a couple chapters.
His son was like
"hey... why do you have red in your hair?"
+"I dyed it"
"oh... well my hair is a little bit red but more brown."
+"cool. do you think I look weird?"
"um. look at my hair, it's tangled now!"

so
yeah
gonna eat some thai now. maybe

tomorrow : "hello"

kansas city wishlist

i want the first friend i make to have blue hair and a nose ring, so that when we walk down the street together we could compliment each other. I would want her to be more attractive and dress better than me so that God could work on my insecurity issues. her name would be "vivienne" and she'd be 19.

need to start stepping out more, so i'm wishing that my classes will make me go out and do stuff. not undermining them, but i don't want to just stay home to read and pray (even though i really should. haven't done either in a good while). i wanna serve and help and learn and love.

my heart wants to come back bigger than before. i want to fall in love and give my vows all over again. not really wishing for this one though. in the most arrogant and self assured way, i can say that God's gonna give me this one. He promised me already.

i want to make a really good friend who's a guy. i've never had someone i could call a best friend be of the opposite sex, so i'm looking forward to it. unlike vivienne, i'm not too picky on his attributes. i would just want him to be into art so that he could go to some museums with me.

lastly, i want you to see a yeah yeah yeahs shirt and smile. i want you to pray for me and wish me the best. and i want you to think about me every once in a while. i know i will with all of you.

murder in the dark

i want to blog. i've been wanting to blog since yesterday.
i have plenty of things i'd like to say, but i don't know where to start. my thoughts kind of remind me of the art club meetings we had. where i would have a plate and start with the primaries. but then mixing comes into play, and you're left with a really nasty greyish brown.
my brain feels like that greyish brown right now.

i made an awesome friend this summer, and i'm bummed that i have to leave so early into the friendship. i think we really clicked. people always say that separation doesn't change anything, but i don't think there's any truth in that. i think that if i were to return, we wouldn't be the same.
thats the pessimist in me coming out, but i can't help it. speaking from experience.
i hope to God i'm wrong, though. not too often you find someone cool in brownsville.

anyways
Today was such a great day. I don't think i've had a day like this in such a long time. Not necessarily because of the things we did or what happened throughout (albeit the stuff that happened wasn't every-day things), but because i don't think one single day has given me as many memories as today has.
i wish i could elaborate. maybe in time. but for now at least we have some pictures and a couple of videos.

I first started going to church about 2 years ago and I remember how fun it was. everyone was so chill and we were a big group. even though i had only been there x-amount of months, i felt just as comfortable with the person to my right as i was to the dude on my left.
things aren't like that anymore. it's nothing new though. it hasn't been like this for a loong time. i wonder how it would be if we got everyone from that time and locked us into a room. what would happen?
would we awkwardly talk about how we've been?
would we pretend as if we've been the same?
i dont know.
but it'd be cool if we played murder in the dark. that was so much fun.

girl in the red hat

I'm here watching (or attempting to, at least) Elizabethtown at 1005. We're at the scene where Susan Sarandon is tap dancing to her dead husband's favorite song. Tap dancing is pretty ridiculous-looking. If I was the dead husband, I'd sent an earthquake from Heaven to stop her. Husband, if you're reading this out on blogger world, learn another hobby.

I've been having some interesting things happen recently. I'm being blessed with some messed up memories.

I saw a puppy get run over.

"Hello?! Help!" have become second nature. Very useful when you're stranded on a balcony at 2 in the morning.

I've rediscovered Ryan Adams and I'm starry-eyed. This isn't really a memory, but if by reading this you are the least bit interested, it has served its purpose.

I hope I don't blow up Lisa's kitchen tomorrow. I'm a tad intimidated. I hope Julia Child comes back from the dead and helps me out.

Isn't it ironic that separations draw people who weren't close....close? Why now and not then? I don't know if I should feel offended or flattered.

It's 10 14 and yet it feels like it's 1 in the morning. Maybe its because this movie seems to drag... Stuff like this never happens. It NEVER happens.

($)?(#)

Looking through the folder with all of my photos, I have 450+. It would have been double that, but alas life is cruel (or at least technology is) and my computer crashed. *tear* Anywho, I asked a couple of you for random numbers. I chose the photo I'm about to describe by the number you gave me and listed them by the time you replied. Morris answered first. So Here it goes...

Morris: #2




I invited Caroline to my cousin's wedding, around March/April of 07. Before the wedding, she came over and got ready at my house. I showed interest in her curling iron, and so she curled my hair as well. Turned out pretty cool, but I'm still stylistically an idiot and have yet to curl my hair on my own. Caroline wore her Pearl Harbor dress (looked very pretty btw) and I wore something completely inappropriate for a wedding. Cousin looked pretty pissed, but that's Sylvia for you. Rule-breaker

Erika: #233


Michelle, April, Bon and I went to go have lunch at Vermilion that day. Spur of the moment "girl day". I ordered the "lite" plate while everyone else had the normal one. There was nothing lite about it. hmm what else? I think we almost died at least seven times because of April's driving. Towards the end of the day, I don't think we cared about dieing anymore cuz Michelle had found a cool wedding dress, we ate Red Robyn and scored a free milkshake, and I received a nice surprise phone call.

Ace: #37




This is a cool one. His name is Howard. He befriended Alyx and I as we were vandalizing Michelle's car with post it notes for her twenty-second. It was around 1 am and we just see this duck. wasnt little, wasnt big. it was like a teen duck. anyways, it just came up to alyx, got right next to his feet, looked up at him, and started cuddling with him. maybe its mom had died or something. howard spent the rest of the night switching cuddle partners and even crapped on victor. i think it followed rene home. how sad...


Bon: "642 jk 127"




On our way to jesusculture dallas with the willies. driving towards dallas but makde a pit stop five or six hours into the drive. it was literally by grace that we found this rest stop. i think someone had even prayed that we could eat right next to a river. right next to the river there was an old-school water mill that was abandoned so we all had our mini-exploration there. looking at stuff like this reminds you how ugly brownsville is. ::debbie downer::

smumeritme

Figure 20.1

Doesn't my mom look effin brown in this picture? Dang.

i've been twenty for 3 days now. I like it more than I thought I would. A couple of people spoil me and call me 19 because they know I like it. thanks. I need to grow up though, so i'll own the 2 and dismiss the 1.
When I had breakfast with my family(20.1), my dad told the waitress:
"you know, it's her birthday today. she's turning 20. i know she doesn't look twenty but she is. she's twenty and already finished her third year of college and now she is even a manager at H-E-B."
all while making that face where you raise your eyebrows and it means start your compliments.
i've learned that my dad really loves me. he's just has a hard time stumbling.
there are times where he annoys the hell out of me. i bought a car recently and he'd call 5 times a day to talk about what we spent an hour talking about the day before.
i just realized though that his worries are his affection towards me. he wants me to have a safe trip to kc because he loves me.
he even offered to buy me a gun.
so don't eff with me.

My internship was supposed to end on the 8th but the hurricane pushed it back to this week. I want to finish so bad already; I get to make an extra paycheck so i'll grin and bear it. What have I learned, you say? Glad you asked...

• when a man with a mustache asks you for a job, it actually means "would you like to have breakfast in acapulco?"
• it's fun to listen to Selena at 6 am. it was the only reason i would smile.
  
• i need God to help me learn how to serve people who aren't nice to me

Took a trip to SA with 5 strangers. Six total, three guys and three gals. I was scared that they wouldn't like me, but they did and we had a lot of fun. Made me happier and more comfortable about leaving. I'll be happy to see them again on Thursday.

Leaving in around 2 weeks. I keep hearing songs about leaving crappy towns and i'm always like "yeah! right on!!" countdown continues...

fade away

In a little less than four weeks, I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Maybe the "new chapter" thing is a little over-used but I can't think of anything that would be more appropriate. Ever since breaking up with Davy (no, even while I was with him), I knew that I wanted a time where I could separate myself from everything that I knew. And now my thoughts are going to become reality.

I love everyone that I have met up until this point. I'm full of everyones finger prints, everyone leaving a little part of them in me. Some people are more enjoyable than others, that's true. But God put even the smallest person in my path, so I can't help but love them because they are divinely placed.

I have my days where I'm scared of acceptance, but i'm also human and face insecurities all the time. But for the most part, whether people in kansas city like me or not, i'm so excited to leave you all behind.
I'm being a little melo-dramatic. I mean, I'm only leaving for three months right?
we'll see...
all i know is that for the first time in a really long time, things are finally on my terms and the ball is in my court.

truth

Climbing into your car seemed like a good idea. You drove a crazy old car. Something from the 70s. Seemed more old-fashioned than trendy but you were crazy about it, so that's cool.

BAM!

Who in their right mind would let Ryan Adams behind the wheel? You looked nervous. I could tell. We get out to inspect the damage he made. Some paint came off of yours. Some paint came off of his. Didn't seem like such a big deal but you made it one.

A list of titles comes rushing out of the ground. Ryan offers to play us any 5 of his songs. We choose. I love Ryan Adams. I was excited. You were still pissed about your car but hid it because of my excitement.

I see you start running in another direction. I remember seeing your scarf fly up.
"Where are you going?"
"Be back in a bit. I wouldn't leave you, darlin'."


I always liked it when you called me darlin'

12

Twelve days until I turn 19 again. I'm kind of apathetic. but weirdly enough, this is the first year that I feel comfortable asking for things for my birthday. I usually feel unworthy, but now I see things as I rummage through stores and I say, "Ooh, I like. My (insert gift here)" [John & Kate + 8] style. Too bad they are usually things that are effin expensive. oh well

anyways. update.
so I have two weeks left of my internship. Went by pretty quick. Not sure what I learned, but I made a heck of a lot of money(!) and that's what counts... for IHOP at least. So now I think for the time being H-E-B wants me to stay on board and work there up until I leave in Sept. The lazy part of me just wants to chill for 3 weeks but I wouldn't let myself.

hmm. what else?
Well, I talked to Lisa about my "problem". She told me not to eat cheesecake for the week and see how it goes. Today is the third day with no cheesecake, and damn do I want some cheesecake lol. Well, not really. It'd be nice once in a while. Maybe I'll keep it to like a week-end only type of deal. We'll see what God says.

I think that if I could live someone else's life for one day I would choose Agyness Deyn (sp?). I would say Karen O but that would be too obvious. In my one Agyness Deyn day I would make sure to fly to NYC and see a YYY show to get my fix. Actually she doesnt even seem that cool. I saw a video of her giving an interview and she looked like a typical snarky idiot. but she knows how to dress. I'll give her that. So in my one day I'd probably ship her wardrobe to 544 Galveston and spend the rest of my life trying to fit her size 00 frame.

This is what happens when it's 12 and you just got your Internet back after x-amount of days.

I don't think I will ever understand you. Maybe thats a good thing, although right now I don't see how it could be. And as hard as you may try, I don't think you will ever understand me either.

Impatience is one of my weaknesses. Why am I like this? Knowledge and information are my security. I would like to know everything about you and everyone you know. Not because I like to gossip or feel like being nosey. But because I would like to take the guessing game out of life. I'm frustrated. Hurt. Confused. These past couple of months have been like hell. I miss you and them. I miss 17 year old Sylvia. God, I'm so selfish...

I wish you would just make it stop already and make me blind. I forgot how ugly things surfacing looked like

I'm so happy God doesn't see it my way. I don't really know how to "search things out". I need You to help me with that.

YYY

i couldn't see
i couldn't hear
shut me off when you were near
like a cloud
a dusty mirror
disappear, you disappear

all of a sudden
all alone
i'm calling out
i'm calling love's gonna let me know
like the day you took me home
we counted every minute left to go
my love's gonna let you know

time without you drags me down
it all feels right with you around
it all feels light with you around
like that night we hit the ground
and all the lightning sends a chill
can't forget about you still
all of a sudden all alone
i'm calling out
i'm calling

love's gonna let me know
like the day you took me home
we counted every minute left to go
my love's gonna let you know

calling love's gonna let me know
like the day you took me home
we counted every minute left to go
my love's gonna let you know

i'm calling out i'm calling
i'm calling out i'm calling
i'm calling out i'm calling
i'm calling out i'm calling
i'm calling out i'm calling out

I would like to record this song. Morris, this means "help me record this."
:)

My Best Take on Letterman

10 Things I Hate



ten. hovering




Today I was at work, and there's this man (who is older than me, adding to the creepiness) who just hovered over me. I was just standing there like an idiot with my nervous-laugh as he just stood there. Please, for the love of Jesus, don't torture me and hover.

nine. muscles




lol I don't think I need to elaborate. it's a mix of envy fueled by disgust.

eight. mariah carey's wardrobe




i think it's inappropriate. and it looks like she's a really expensive chong. someone give her some sharpie makeup.

seven. when people forget my name




it makes me feel sad. like i'm not important. i get "victor's sister" a lot. maybe it might not seem like a big deal because after all, i am victor's sister. but i'm also sylvia, ya know?

six. bad breath




sometimes my breath smells bad, too. its not a "holier than thou" concept. it's just, and this is me just being transparent, when people talk to me about serious stuff and their breath smells it is effin hard to concentrate! there. i've said my peace

five. hickeys

i'll spare you the pictures. i saw some random girl with a huge hickey on her neck wearing at target the other day. i felt a mixture of wanting to cry/throw up/keep staring. but at least she didn't try to cover it up with one of those too-small band aids. that's just dumb.

four. thinking of four other things i hate

i'll update later

a tiger is waiting to be tamed

Insecurity is such a strange topic. Its something that I have been struggling with lately and...yeah. It feels as if its something that you can't escape. No matter how great a day you are having there is always something that comes up/you notice/someone says that puts you back in your "place".

• I shouldn't of said that. Can't rewind.
• I don't want to do that. He's going to think I'm stupid. I'm only 19.
• 3 < 0
  
• You don't get it. You just won't fit it.
  

It's been really hard for me accepting who God says I am. I don't know about other people but in my opinion, I felt that if people were confident in their identity I perceived it as a form of arrogance. How can someone say something and believe it with all of their heart. I heard Bob Jones say once that he "was a beautiful son of God. an amazingly beautiful and awesome individual." How can someone say something like that and not feel uncomfortable? Not that I feel that he was off or wrong. His confidence is worthy of being envied. I'm just in a state where I can't understand the meaning of my identity in Christ. I had lunch with some great friends yesterday (that I need to hang out with more) and I was letting them know what my mind was saying about myself. But then he started saying all of the things that God and they think about me. That I was special. beautiful. worthy of great things. I noticed that I kind of looked at my food when he said that and nodded. I know I should agree but I haven't come to that state where I fully can.

But it's something Jesus can do in a heartbeat. Just because I struggle with it know doesn't mean I will in the days to come. So for now, I'm just gonna sit and chill out. I wanna hear the things God says about me and even though I might not feel it yet it still feels nice to be told.

13 minute blog

9 47

So I'm giving myself 13 minutes to write a blog. I tend to over-edit stuff like this. Or think too much about what I wanna type or how I want it to sound. None of that. I can share what's up in 13 minutes easy.

So I started this internship at HEB, and it's been OK. Lackluster sort of, but I'm not one to complain. I start my third week tomorrow and my shift hours kind of suck (i guess that is a little complaining, huh?) I wake up at 4 45 every morning, shower, get ready, and have breakfast on the road to work. I pray as I drive, and I guess I pray for the same stuff. I end up asking God for whatever bothered me about the day before and that he would make my 8 hour shift seem like a breeze. He's faithful, and it always just seems that much more quicker (albeit, I'm still tired as heck when I get home but that's nothing that a 2 hour nap can't fix).

hmm what else to ramble about? uhh lately erika and I have been going through some issues that are interesting. it's been pretty informative going out and asking other people for their opinions on the matters because everyone's opinion is so different. advice that is inconsistent with what Person A said yesterday. Guess I've learned from this experience that man is pretty silly. They gave advice, and it was pretty godly and stuff, but I think that if your depending too much on other's opinions and not going to the Source for the ultimate answer then you're asking for trouble. everyone thinks a certain way. strict. liberal. goofy. blunt. naive. but they mean well. they have the love of God and it has shown through the way they have loved on us as they gave feedback and stuff.

You know, one day I'd really like to write a blog about the differences between men and women (boys and girls in some cases though). I think what I'm gonna start carrying a little memo pad, clark kent news reporter style, and just jot down things I see. Then, i'll come home, muster up a hypothesis, run a few tests that involve dw-40 and baking soda, and voila! We will know why men never seem to understand and why women think they understand everything but are just as naive. expect this soon. with a patent. or copyright. or whatever.

10 00

jehovah jireh

Dreams are my absolute favorite way that God speaks to me. I have them pretty often, and I write them down in my "dream binder". I think I've recorded around 70 or 80 visions and dreams. Anyways, I'm a pretty visual person, so it's not hard to see why I like them so much (plus, God is just so freakin' creative it's nuts, so each dream is an adventure in itself. I have no idea how He comes up with so many dreams to give to His people).

I've been having a lot of finance-related dreams recently. I'm still not that great at interpreting dreams (yet) , so I usually need God to have grace and be really literal when He speaks. So I had this one dream where Gabe (meaning a man of God) came and gave me a check for $1,000. I had another dream where everywhere I went I found $20 and $100 bills on the floor, and in the most recent one, I found $15 crumpled inside a receipt that had $1,000 recorded on it.

I kind of had an idea about what I wanted to write about in this blog, but I think it all went to jello cuz the Spirit showed up and now I just wanna melt. So whatever, i'll save the details for another time. But what I wanted to share is that I got an internship this summer that pays $13 an hour and at the end of the internship I get $1,000 bonus. Can't get anymore literal than that, huh? Praise God. So I would like to thank God for being extremely faithful, even in times of my shaky faith. He is so awesome to keep Hid promises despite whatever we may feel or think. I love You for hearing me out. You heard the desires of my heart that night when I prayed to You and I asked You if I could go. You said, "Sylvia, I would LOVE for you to come. I'm glad you asked. Let me plan it out. Let me pay for you. I want you to know that I desperately want you to come as well." And that's what You did. I got accepted. You gave me a job. You're even giving me a car to get there. Agh. dude You love me too much. but Don't stop. It's feels amazingggggg. i love to be loved by You.

desire

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. Oh, my God, You never let me down. Can I have more of You?" Agh! Can't get me enough jesusculture. For real....

So it's 2:20 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I was up watching SVU with my sister, and now I'm hyped up on worship music. \\\It's all good/// I'm awake on some happy, sporadic, God-given high. It's either that or all the candy I had before bed (but in Jesus' name it's the latter!!!) I think I'm in love. Like head-over-heels, can't take my gaze off, butterflies in the stomach, shameless to the max kind of loooove. And you know what makes me feel even MORE in love? It's that Jesus, in Heaven, is in this exact state 24/7. If you think about it, Jesus must be in some crazy spiritual high all of the time because He's hardcore in love with me (and you too, of course) :)

I was worshiping at Faith during the conference and I was crying (but not wailing lol [inside joke with Erika]) because I was like "God, I just want you to feel my love right now." And so I like concentrated like crazy, as if somehow I could telepathically send him a "love" gift, and I just knew He got it. I could imagine Him and all the angels in Heaven excited over opening my heart's love gift. Picture a kid in x-mas. That was God opening up our heart's love songs. He was probably like, "OoOoh, a package from Sylvia. I wonder what it could be... ::opens package:: YES!!!!!!!! It's her song of all songs. Just what I wanted!" And then the angels went crazy and did some tribal dance to celebrate and then I was like "Boo yah!!!!!!"

God, I think you are the most amazing thing I have ever felt, seen, touched, known, etc. You are the salt to my pepper: the peanut to my butter: the hop to my skip: and any other lovely comparisons you'd like to muster up. I love you for everything plus one. I love you for all of my life + one day + eternity. I think I'm silly, You think I'm silly, and You absolutely adore me for the stupid-sounding love that I'm typing away. Well, guess what? I adore you too!!!!!!!! Cool, huh? It's mutual :D and I promise that it will be mutual for the rest of my days. And for my kids' days. and my husband's days. and my generations' days. I'm prophesying over my freakin family right now. they WILL love you with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength. Dude, you're just so cool, I couldn't let them get away without loving you. Anyways, love you Dad. Keep having Heaven beckon me!

getting ready

Officially done with school as of Tuesday. [oh my gosh, Jesus. thank you] It's unusual feeling so free after constantly being in a state of busy-ness or procrastination. This semester was undoubtedly the worst semester of my "college" life. It was horrible having so many classes and going to work all the time [Yu Hua still rocks] and having tests/homework\quizzes every other freakin' day. I wish I could say "never again" but alas, i still have another 3 semesters to go until I graduate.


But enough of that junk.. I now have the absolute <privilege> of focusing on Jesus and the revival He has started in adirolF. Praise You for allowing me to be alive in such a time as this, Lord. We should all be so honored to be witnesses of the crazy manifestations that are occurring. What's even crazier is that these revivals aren't going to stop. They're gonna spread and spread and spread... I wish I could know what God is doing through all of this. I mean, of course He's healing His Bride and restoring Her faith in His miracles, but I want to know "WHY?" Why now? Why us? Why me? Are these revivals the Third Great Awakening in effect or are they part of something much larger (i.e. end times stuff)? Jesus, let us in your thought-process. Let your children search your thoughts and find the answers.

I'm choosing to believe the latter. I think that all of this stuff is too great to be taken lightly. People out there need to be woken up (including myself), and I think that God is using this to stir up our spirits for the unknown things that are yet to come. In about two days, a bunch of us are leaving to Dallas and meeting up with the JesusCulture group from Redding, CA (another revival hotspot). The conference is going to focus on equipping the revivalists and taking His fire to the streets. There is absolutely NO WAY that this can be a coincidence. In the Kingdom, coincidences just don't exist. God is going to wreck Dallas and its believers and unbelievers alike (prophesying). We will not be the same. I choose to come back different for His glory.

God, do something in us that has NEVER been done before. Take us to that new level... that we would meet You at this higher level. Anoint and purify the Bride so tha we could usher in this new movement.

devil Disappear

This whole "blogger" thing is pretty funny to me. your fingers start moving, your letters turn into words, words form sentences, and thus a thought is shared. I guess I just think its funny because I know the people who read this, and its only like three...tops (czi'maloser). So
Hi Morris
Hi Bon
Hi Erika

Anyways, I don't have much to share. I wish I had this awesome revelation to share. Or some crazy testimony that happened. But, instead I'm going through a weird phase right now. I know that God isn't based off of works (and praise God for that, seriously), but I still feel like I'm failing. And before I go any further, let me just say that I don't think any of the thoughts I'm having are God-given or whatever, it's just what I'm going through.

I haven't read the word or prayed or had any alone time with God in a looong time. Part of me would LOVE to blame it on school, but that would be silly. God has agabiliionjillionfrhbuiweohfuw 17893057x things to do in the scope of 24 hrs, but He always finds time to be with me, so why haven't I? I wish this wasn't a normal occurence, but unfortunately it is. It's these weird seasons I go through. like a rollercoaster. up down up down up down (i just want OFF already)

But whatever. If this blog sounds kind of "blah" then....good. It's cuz i feel "blah".

BUT! God is so good. For real........
And I am sure without a shadow of a doubt that He will pull me through.
It is definitely not His will for me to stay in a level of conformity or to get attacked with the devil's thoughts toward me. I'm actually really excited. I can feel God as I'm typing this. I partly want to cry. Anyways, I'm stoked that all God has to say is "devil disappear!" and he is gone. How awesome that our Father loves us so much.

"God, I'm sorry if I haven't proven to be faithful or if I've even considered believing the lies againt me. I'm sorry Lord. I accept everything that you have towards me, and I thank you for your constant love being poured out (even when I don't "feel" it). I love you with all of my heart,mind,soul, and strength. Every day, hour, minute, and second of my life! Lord, I need help. I can't do this without you. Start up the fire in my heart. I mean, you're a consuming fire... so give me some of that. Let deep call unto deep for the rest of my time here."

first

Dear Dad,
Como estas? Enjoying heaven I presume.
I wish I was there with you right now.
I'm very homesick, as you can see.
You're so nice and graceful,
the words in your letter sometimes make me feel as if I was really there.
You must know how much I miss You
and so you do your very best to comfort me.
And I love you for that.
You know I do.
But still...
I would like to see you.
Sooner rather than later :)
You know, funny story.
I was on the computer with Isabel the other day
and she was showing me a DJ playing with his light show in the back.
And I thought to myself:
"That doesn't even compare to the colors my dad has."
So I might be wrong, but
I think that at times you give me thoughts like that.
You place them in my heart because you must know
how homesick I am.
I like to think that you say to yourself:
"Man I want Sylvia to know how much I wish she was here with me.
Let me let her know I'm thinking about her.
Let me show her a part of me.
I want to speak into her heart today."
So dad,
I just want to let you know that I hear you loud and clear.
I love you and I miss home terribly.
And I can't wait to see your colors again.
So until we meet again
(sooner rather than later! please...)

-Sylvia

check

one, two
one, two