how should i feel?

I found out today that Davy is going to be a dad... and by the title of this blog I'm sure you've noticed that I'm confused.

Man, it's weird. So weird.

I was with Davy for almost three years and for a good part of them it was fun. I have a lot of effed up memories with the guy, and it's surreal to see that he's going to be making a family with this girl.

I don't think I'm jealous. I definitely would not want to have a baby with him. I'm thankful that God spared me from having sex with him. I thank Him that I never fell into something stupid like that. But still

I want want a family. I didn't even mean to write "want" twice. I guess I really want it, huh?

Dude it's kind of not fair. How come he gets to have a baby and I'm reading books? Why does he get to get married and I'm kind of really afraid of the opposite sex?

Seriously wth. I was at Cricket paying my sister's phone bill, and the dude behind the counter was trying to talk to me. Flirting, idk. I won't flatter myself. But I noticed that as soon as I picked up on a weird vibe from him, I literally stood behind this wall.

I forced myself onto a wall that would seperate myself from the advances of the opposite sex.

story of me

Davy, good luck. quit the reefer and you'll be fine.

and as for me, well

well

well

maybe i should work on actually talking to guys before I open my mouth

praise God

departures

I packed up a lot of my stuff today. I don't know what to think about that. Actually I don't know what to feel about ANYTHING. Today has been really weird. These past couple of days have been really weird. My LIFE is weird. My emotions are all over the place. And to top it off, I got a RANDOM phone call this morning that made me feel funny. Well, more awkward than funny. I'd put the name of the guy who called but I'm afraid of the aliens from Signs. Does that make sense? I hope not.

Side Note: This blog feels kind of like a diary since I have it on private. Wait, no. Scratch that. It feels like I'm laying down on that looong, red couch at the shrink's office and Bon is my psychiatrist asking "...and how does that make you feel?". It's not that I don't want people reading my blog. I really don't care. I've just been freakin' lazy to add e-mails. Ha

So for now, [Bonita] Bon... you're my one-(wo)man audience. Congratulations!

Getting back to the main point, I just finished packing more than half of my crap. Now I remember why I waited until the night before leaving Brownsville to pack. It's because I hate it. The task is so long and emotionally draining. It's impossible to think about anything but leaving when you pack. Victor was in the room practicing piano when I was packiing earlier so that stopped me from getting emotional. But who knows how I'll feel when I hit the road.

I might put on that one Sanctus Real song that we heard when we left OneThing. "It's so hard to say goodbye..." Oh, and it might snow on the way out of here. If that happens, I'd definitely cry.

This blog is long... sorry

Last month we had Stephen Hanson, a prophetic leader here at IHOP, come to our "class" and speak to us over... you guessed it... prophecy. He had us all line up so that he could lay hands on us and impart. Well, when he got to me, he just started yelling. Literally. He started screaming out prophecies over me, and needless to say, I fell on the floor and started crying. All of that to say that one of the prophecies he spoke over me was that I was a Mary of Bethany.

I didn't know much about Mary so for that word I was just like "oh, cool", but it wasn't until the Women in the Prophetic Conference that I found out what exactly God had annointed me with. You see, ( I feel like I'm preaching now) Mary of Bethany was Jesus' friend. Think about it.

Everyone kind of shrugs off the importance of being His friend. I know that whenever I would think about being Jesus' friend, that annoying "I am a friend of God" song would come into my head. I would immediately dismiss the idea with an "oh, cool." But this is what the Scriptures say about how close Jesus' and Mary's friendship was...

In John 11, Mary's brother Lazarus had died and Jesus was going to Judea to resurrect him. Mary had been understandably crying over the loss of her brother for days. She had been grieving and many Jews tried to comfort her, but they were all to no avail. However, when Martha tells her that Jesus has been looking for her, Mary gets out of her comfort of weeping and looks for the One who can truly give her rest.

Mary runs to Jesus and basically says, "Lord! Please... Do something! I'm in so much pain." Verses 33 to 35 are what literally broke my heart for Jesus.

"Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who came with her weeping, he groaned in the Spirit and was troubled." [v33] Jesus was there watching His friend Mary weep and it made Him groan. I can imagine Jesus looking at Mary with so much compassion and love at that moment. How close was Jesus to Mary that at the sound of her tears it made the God of all gods groan?

"And He said 'Where have you laid him?' They said to Him, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept." [v34, 35] Whenever I read that Jesus cried, it pulls some strings in my heart. There are not many accounts in the Scripture where it talks about Jesus crying. What was it that made Him weep? It was that Mary was weeping at His feet. Mary and Jesus were so close that just seeing her cry made Jesus weep. Who are we that we can make the Son of God cry? Seriously.

Two days ago I had just gotten to the prayer room when my brother Victor calls and says that he might not be able to get to Kansas City until Friday (instead of the scheduled Monday arrival). That would mean that Victor would only be in town for less than a day before leaving with me back home. I went back inside the prayer room and I just sat there on the verge of tears. I know it may sound silly that I wanted to cry over that, but you guys don't know how much I was looking forward to showing him around town and just being with him.

After 10 minutes of sadness, I get another call from Victor telling me that he was able to get permission and switch his flight for Tuesday instead of Friday. I went back into the prayer room praising God, and this is what the Holy Spirit told me right away:

"Sylvia, remember that you are Jesus' best friend. He saw you sitting there in sadness over your brother's arrival and He couldn't help but grieve with you. 'I love Sylvia so much! I need to make things better right away so that she won't be sad anymore!!' And so he fixed everything because He's your best friend."

Jesus, you are truly my best friend. I'm so happy you never stopped looking for my friendship. I hope I can make you evenly slightly as happy as You make me.

pensive

Yesterday was the first time I put an eleven in front of the date. It felt a bit strange because I just got over the shock of switching to ten. Might not mean anything to some but it does to me. It means that my trip back home is right around the corner.

Roller coaster of emotions = ...---***---...---***---... = coming back to Brownsville

I really don't know how to feel. Part of me is really excited, sadness controls another part, and the last Sylvia is either anxious or worried (idon'tknowwhichworddescribesitbetter). For the most part, though, I think excitement is the biggest emotion.

"But why are you excited? Brownsville sucks. You said it yourself"

I know. I know. This is where the transparent part comes in. I was originally planning on coming home for a month and transferring to SA for the remainder of the college years, but God was so faithful to mess everything up (the saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans" comes to mind).

I got accepted into the school and all that jazz, but to make a long story short I had to make the adult decision of pulling my foot out of my mouth and decline the opportunity of leaving. I felt effin stupid and I was like "God, why did you give this to me only to take it away?" And this is what He said... ::ahem ahem::

"Because you suck"

jk. He thinks I'm cool.

He said "Because you're arrogant and you think that you're better than people. Just because I've called you to travel around doesn't mean you are in any way smarter/better/cooler than those who live in the valley. I love all the same."

So I was like "Ouch." but I feel great about it now. His plans are better than mine, and I know this last year of school will be wonderful.

That's one of the reasons why excitement is the biggest feeling of them all.

"And it feels like coming home for the first time in a long time"

?

The comment I left on Josh's blog got me riled up and now I just want to talk about offense.
God asked me to stop doing something recently, and He knows very well that I had no desire whatsoever to stop. Mind you, it wasn't "sin" or anything obviously wrong... just something God knew I didn't need right now. And so I stopped. And I hate it.

Writing this blog is giving me that lump in the throat you get right before you want to cry. I don't think I'll let myself cry because of pride (which is another story in itself), but I am struggling with it all.

I keep wanting to ask God, "If You knew You were going to eventually ask me to stop doing it, then why did You ever let me start to begin with?" You allowed me the joy of running, only to see that there was a cliff stopping me not too far into the trail. It was all an illusion.

I really don't want to be offended by God. I want to trust His leadership and come out saying it is perfect. It's a struggle to do this, but I'm glad I said yes, though. I don't care if people think it's stupid to let someone "who caused you pain to dictate your life". Jesus is the only person who has never let me down and to think that He would intentionally hurt me for no reason is spiteful and sickening.

I want to be like Moses. I want to come out of this wilderness unoffended. I want to be able to love God more than anything else. And I just want God to call me His friend. Lord, I want to be Your friend.

not so funny

The other day, I was walking to the prayer room and I saw a group of guys playing football outside. It looked like something straight out of a post card...

guys playing football in the street
dad talking to his daughters
dogs running around everywhere

So as I'm approaching them, I take out my phone to call my friend. I'm about ten feet in front of them when one of the guys looks at me and motions something. He's a tall one with a big brown beard, and he looks young and nice.

He grabs the football and makes a gesture like: "OK. Get ready. I'm about to throw it to you."
Since I was talking on the phone, all I could do was gesture back. So I gesture the "You don't want to throw it to me. I suck at sports." kind of face. He gets the hint, smiles at me as I pass along, and that was the end of that.

Today I was sitting in the second row of class and Jerry, our Commission administrator, says, "Class, we have a true treasure for you today. We have a guest speaker... Jesse Engle." And in walks in bearded-smiling-football man... Jesse Engle.

It was awkward sitting so close to the front. I wanted to laugh for some reason. & strangely enough, I kept thinking "So this is the guy that made Erika cry." I don't think a lot of you even know who Jesse Engle is, which is cool. I didn't know who he was till I got here. I just wanted to share a part of my day.

It was a good day :)

October

The Commission program I'm in has this one couple, John and Emily. John is a baldy (by choice) who loves to wear red flannel with flip flops and Emily is a brunette with blue eyes and a Wisconsin accent. He's twenty-three and she's twenty and they just got married this July.

When I found out their ages and the fact that they're married, my initial reaction was "Eww." Not "eww" at them, but "eww" at the thought of being married at twenty.
::"Why on Earth would anyone want to be married so young? You could never do that!" thought Sylvia to herself as she looked in confusion."::
However, seeing them every day has now changed my perception. I think in the valley, a lot (but not all, i know) of young marriages are forced because of pregnancy, so I had this stigma in my head that people don't really want to do this. But seeing two young people willingly want to do that is puzzling yet envious at the same time.

We usually have hang outs at their place, and last week's was making me sick. We had "movie night" and I was surrounded by three couples...
three affectionate couples...
three affectionate and blissful-looking couples
Needless to say, I left the place depressed and jealous

I was sort of doing the "God, this sucks" kind of thing, but then I got over it. I figured, "Hey, if God being wayyy smarter than me, doesn't think it's time yet than who am I to say otherwise?"
But at least I learned it's cool to be twenty and married.

OH! and John was Emily's first and only boyfriend before being married, so take that all you nay-sayers who think it's not possible to get married without dating around. If they can do it than so can i