a.m.

I have had an amazing morning.
I woke up too early, and I found myself with 20 minutes to spare before leaving to work.
Decided to spend them with Dad and it was wonderful.
Didn't have an agenda really. I just needed someone to hear me out. Listen to me cry.
and he did. He's so nice.
So I left to work, still keeping Him in mind.
I sang my emotions and let my heart do its share of talking.
(Sometimes we really neglect our hearts. Our minds have too much say-so.)
I'm at work right now, been here since 9.
April surprised me and ditched her class to catch up with me.
What a great friend.
Caught up, laughed, and left with plans to meet up this weekend.
Then an elderly man came in for tutoring-and he made my day.
He's so old and fragile.
Face full of wrinkles and age spots.
Hands shake and voice trembles.
But he made my day. I got to serve him... even if it was only with tutoring.
(I hope I get to spend my life as a servant. I know some won't be as pleasant as this old man, but I love it. I want to be self-less.)
It turns out he was a commercial pilot who did some crop dusting back in the day.
He shared his stories with me and I swear I felt like crying at some point.
I want to be cool like him.
An 81 year old student who doesn't give a damn about anything.
Just loving life. living life. staying sharp. being happy.
God, I want to be happy. help me stay in a play of constant joy.
Man, this was a good morning.

i really don't want to think about those things anymore

This morning my mind made up its mind and it came to the conclusion that I am in the wrong degree plan. It has been thinking a lot about graduation, work, the future, and the sorts recently.
So time-consuming
but it's a portal that has one door leading to another

I am having a really hard time seeing myself in a dress suit for the rest of my life. I mean, seriously. Where would I put my pins? They just don't look good on blazers. What shoes would I wear? Ive seen those converse high heels and they are pre-tty gross. No, thanks.

I'm scared out of my mind. When teachers assign group projects I'm always the first one to cringe because I hate working with others...leading others...depending on others.
And here I am. A management major.

I want Jesus to come rescue me from the reality of graduation. Did You really want me to do this? What if You told me to major in something else and I heard wrong? What a scary thought.

I have been looking into some masters programs, but I think I'm only doing it so that I can continue being a student a little longer. Buy me some time before I face the reality of the system.
God, I hate the system
And here I am. A future part of it.

For now, I'm thinking of still graduating in December and then moving to Austin. I kind of even really want Isabel to come live with me. I told her the idea and she was so stoked. I love it.
She could transfer to UT while I work. We could go to shows and buy stuff for our apartment. I love it, living with my best friend.

Jesus, I invite You for the ride except I sure as hell don't want to lead. Let me follow. Get me out of here. Give me more than a suit. Give me color. Give me sounds. Give me personality.

suffocated

I felt really trapped today. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

"I'm really dying in here and I'm afraid. No, I'm scared. I'm just scared. Just let me down."

Why are some people more oppressed than others? (I'm not talking about myself, so the sympathy or pity is unnecessary) It seems like some soar with ease while others have clipped wings.

I hate it because there is nothing I can do about it. I hate watching wreck after wreck.

These are the times that try my soul the most. Where I have to leave it to my invisible God to fix the mess. Can I really trust Him?

I'm so fickle. I love to have fun with Him and I believe Him when He comforts me.
But when it comes to others I have a hard time selling what I bought into.

Lord, help me. I hate that I'm fickle and that I believe that others can't have what I have or feel what I feel...

sorry, Jesus

wake up

My phone rang today at 8 in the morning.
I have ringers assigned for people.
The fam has one.
Erika has one.
Bon has one.
Morris has one.
Bill has one.
and Michelle has one.
But when it rang at 8 in the morning, it was the "default/generic" ringer.
I normally don't answer numbers I don't recognize, but maybe since it was 8 in the morning I wasn't thinking clearly.
anyways, so I answered the phone.
and it was Michelle.

"Hello..?"
"Sylvia...It's Michelle."
"Michelle? Where are you calling me from?"
"I'm at work. I'm SO bored, and I want to talk to someone. I called Caroline but she was on her way to watch the inauguration..."
"Oh, sorry. Sorry I was at the bottom of the list."
"No! I wanted to talk to you..."

I think she was lying. But I didn't care because I really like Michelle and I didn't mind talking to her.

So we started gabbing away.

"Michelle, I'm really scared. I'm going to graduate in December and I have no idea what I'm going to do."
"Wait. You are worried about what's going to happen next year? We barely started 2009 and you're already worried about 2010?"
"Yes"

I felt stupid, but that's my nature.
I worry

how should i feel?

I found out today that Davy is going to be a dad... and by the title of this blog I'm sure you've noticed that I'm confused.

Man, it's weird. So weird.

I was with Davy for almost three years and for a good part of them it was fun. I have a lot of effed up memories with the guy, and it's surreal to see that he's going to be making a family with this girl.

I don't think I'm jealous. I definitely would not want to have a baby with him. I'm thankful that God spared me from having sex with him. I thank Him that I never fell into something stupid like that. But still

I want want a family. I didn't even mean to write "want" twice. I guess I really want it, huh?

Dude it's kind of not fair. How come he gets to have a baby and I'm reading books? Why does he get to get married and I'm kind of really afraid of the opposite sex?

Seriously wth. I was at Cricket paying my sister's phone bill, and the dude behind the counter was trying to talk to me. Flirting, idk. I won't flatter myself. But I noticed that as soon as I picked up on a weird vibe from him, I literally stood behind this wall.

I forced myself onto a wall that would seperate myself from the advances of the opposite sex.

story of me

Davy, good luck. quit the reefer and you'll be fine.

and as for me, well

well

well

maybe i should work on actually talking to guys before I open my mouth

praise God

departures

I packed up a lot of my stuff today. I don't know what to think about that. Actually I don't know what to feel about ANYTHING. Today has been really weird. These past couple of days have been really weird. My LIFE is weird. My emotions are all over the place. And to top it off, I got a RANDOM phone call this morning that made me feel funny. Well, more awkward than funny. I'd put the name of the guy who called but I'm afraid of the aliens from Signs. Does that make sense? I hope not.

Side Note: This blog feels kind of like a diary since I have it on private. Wait, no. Scratch that. It feels like I'm laying down on that looong, red couch at the shrink's office and Bon is my psychiatrist asking "...and how does that make you feel?". It's not that I don't want people reading my blog. I really don't care. I've just been freakin' lazy to add e-mails. Ha

So for now, [Bonita] Bon... you're my one-(wo)man audience. Congratulations!

Getting back to the main point, I just finished packing more than half of my crap. Now I remember why I waited until the night before leaving Brownsville to pack. It's because I hate it. The task is so long and emotionally draining. It's impossible to think about anything but leaving when you pack. Victor was in the room practicing piano when I was packiing earlier so that stopped me from getting emotional. But who knows how I'll feel when I hit the road.

I might put on that one Sanctus Real song that we heard when we left OneThing. "It's so hard to say goodbye..." Oh, and it might snow on the way out of here. If that happens, I'd definitely cry.

This blog is long... sorry

Last month we had Stephen Hanson, a prophetic leader here at IHOP, come to our "class" and speak to us over... you guessed it... prophecy. He had us all line up so that he could lay hands on us and impart. Well, when he got to me, he just started yelling. Literally. He started screaming out prophecies over me, and needless to say, I fell on the floor and started crying. All of that to say that one of the prophecies he spoke over me was that I was a Mary of Bethany.

I didn't know much about Mary so for that word I was just like "oh, cool", but it wasn't until the Women in the Prophetic Conference that I found out what exactly God had annointed me with. You see, ( I feel like I'm preaching now) Mary of Bethany was Jesus' friend. Think about it.

Everyone kind of shrugs off the importance of being His friend. I know that whenever I would think about being Jesus' friend, that annoying "I am a friend of God" song would come into my head. I would immediately dismiss the idea with an "oh, cool." But this is what the Scriptures say about how close Jesus' and Mary's friendship was...

In John 11, Mary's brother Lazarus had died and Jesus was going to Judea to resurrect him. Mary had been understandably crying over the loss of her brother for days. She had been grieving and many Jews tried to comfort her, but they were all to no avail. However, when Martha tells her that Jesus has been looking for her, Mary gets out of her comfort of weeping and looks for the One who can truly give her rest.

Mary runs to Jesus and basically says, "Lord! Please... Do something! I'm in so much pain." Verses 33 to 35 are what literally broke my heart for Jesus.

"Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who came with her weeping, he groaned in the Spirit and was troubled." [v33] Jesus was there watching His friend Mary weep and it made Him groan. I can imagine Jesus looking at Mary with so much compassion and love at that moment. How close was Jesus to Mary that at the sound of her tears it made the God of all gods groan?

"And He said 'Where have you laid him?' They said to Him, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept." [v34, 35] Whenever I read that Jesus cried, it pulls some strings in my heart. There are not many accounts in the Scripture where it talks about Jesus crying. What was it that made Him weep? It was that Mary was weeping at His feet. Mary and Jesus were so close that just seeing her cry made Jesus weep. Who are we that we can make the Son of God cry? Seriously.

Two days ago I had just gotten to the prayer room when my brother Victor calls and says that he might not be able to get to Kansas City until Friday (instead of the scheduled Monday arrival). That would mean that Victor would only be in town for less than a day before leaving with me back home. I went back inside the prayer room and I just sat there on the verge of tears. I know it may sound silly that I wanted to cry over that, but you guys don't know how much I was looking forward to showing him around town and just being with him.

After 10 minutes of sadness, I get another call from Victor telling me that he was able to get permission and switch his flight for Tuesday instead of Friday. I went back into the prayer room praising God, and this is what the Holy Spirit told me right away:

"Sylvia, remember that you are Jesus' best friend. He saw you sitting there in sadness over your brother's arrival and He couldn't help but grieve with you. 'I love Sylvia so much! I need to make things better right away so that she won't be sad anymore!!' And so he fixed everything because He's your best friend."

Jesus, you are truly my best friend. I'm so happy you never stopped looking for my friendship. I hope I can make you evenly slightly as happy as You make me.